Notes from the (1L) Underground

2004-10-19T10:16:00.000-04:00

Bacon & Porkroll Go to the Store; Get Confused

There was a time I used to love the grocery store. It made sense -- an aisle of dairy, an aisle of ice cream, an aisle of tasty snack options. Times have changed. The grocery store is now a land of madness.

Last week Porkroll and I drove to Conshocken to visit the good people of Target and buy their well-priced, sweatshop-produced goods. We ended up buying cereal. We would have also purchased milk, but the milk made no sense and we had to leave. I like whole. Porkroll likes non-fat. Target has neither. Target has Jog, Fit, and Slim. What the hell is that? That's not milk. Jog? That's my Swedish uncle's name. Confused, we returned the cartons to their shelves and backed away. And so now, we have dry cereal. I'm never going outside again.

2004-09-19T19:28:00.000-04:00

well, on-campus interviewing is about to enter its fourth (count 'em!) week, and i've decided to publish my marginalia documenting the emotional rollercoaster that is the 2l firm hunt. hopefully, this will be educational for those of you who've not yet experienced it.

1. anticipation. finally, we get to go lasso that steer that is our future. twenty-plus years of preparation for this-- those firms won't know what hit them when the meet... me.

2. shock. ...holy shit. i thought i was on my game, but that first interview was awful. the coffee hadn't kicked in, and i was a blathering idiot (ok, so more so than normal). fortunately, i had about fifteen more interviews that first day, and was able to recover some of my shattered composure.

3. burnout (#1). by the end of the first day (assuming you had more than 3 interviews--otherwise, this happened a bit later, i guess), i've collapsed under the combined weight of class, firm research, journal committments, psychological drain from interviewing, and the vague, creeping dread that is the pro bono requirement. this quadruple-whammy is enough to lay even the best of us low. (especially the best of us, being on law review which has, minimum, double the work of the other three esteemed publications at upls.)

4. reprioritization. specifically, forget reading for class to allow time for binge drinking. this happens around day 2 of the interview process--roughly the first friday. (here at penn, for those outside our dear law school, interviewing started on a thursday)

5. anxiety. it's tuesday, and he hasn't called. it's like fifth grade again, and i'm all aquiver with worry that i'm really worth nothing, nothing at all, and in no time at all i'll be alone, destitute, selling my body on the street for smack.

6. reassurance. a bit into the week, i realize i didn't really need to read anyway, as none of my classmates have read either. (this presents problems for socratic professors, but nobody seems too bothered about that.) also, i've gotten a callback or two, and now feel redeemed in the eyes of my soon-to-be slavedrivers.

7. zone. by the middle of the 2d week, i'd developed an inability to conduct normal speech, instead substituting life lessons, semi-witty truisms and positive spin and forced bubbly enthusiasm for anything anyone else says.

8. burnout (#5) (yeah, i know, this is only the 2d one i've listed, but there were a bunch more of them in there somewhere). i've drowned in the bubbly--all that's left is a hollow shell of a human being, with no soul or true emotion, just a kaleidescopic billboard that projects all manner of focused professionalism tempered by hints of emotional sensitivity and artfully feigned humor, expertly designed to perfectly reflect exactly what those around me want to hear.

9. restoration. after a weekend of hard drinking, i emerge, bleary-eyed, for the next go-round of mindless blather and transcript-passing. do they really give a hot damn about what a nice person i am?

10. resignation. allow me to introduce myself. i'm pork n beans, professional interviewer. i've begun looking forward to those nice light days when i've only one or two interviews scheduled. why did i sign up for those 40 gd interviews again? ah, well. soon, it will all be over, and i can actually start attending class again.

more whining to come...

2004-09-16T11:58:00.000-04:00

Blogflash: We're not the only snarky, sarcastic group blog at Penn Law. For those of you who haven't checked out Law School UNconfidental, I heartily recommend you do so. Their posts are hysterical. Notice that our most beloved pork product, Bacon, has been moonlighting there.

2004-09-12T18:59:00.000-04:00

Dear Ikea,

We're through. I've never been able to leave your dirty Nordic embrace for any less than $300. And that's always $300 worth of of $0.89 bowls and $0.50 photo frames. You've filled my home with felt curtains and heavy particle board furniture that I've had to assemble on the molecular level. Many hours have been spent trying to put together the thousand-piece Snurf organizer with only the toothpick and paste you market as a tool kit. I'm also tired of smelling your cinnamon buns when I'm in the self-service furniture section. All I want is my Pflugelkproejanik bookcase and to go home. But you never have the Pflugelkproejanik: it's always temporarily oversold in the dark brown and available only in some hideous purple faux wood grain veneer. But then I buy the purple -- not because I want it -- but because you force it upon me. I know if I don't get the purple, I'll have to come another time and buy $300 worth of bowls. So I'm done with you. And your meatballs. They were never that good anyway.

B

PS: Call me if you get the Pflugelkproejanik -- I still need a bookcase. Damn you, Ikea.

2004-09-09T10:02:00.000-04:00

Some people are complaining about OCR. I am no longer complaining about OCR. If I don't get a job, it's because I'm lazy. Instead of paying attention in class, I build my Maserati quattroporto online. Some people read Dressler instead of the text for Crim. I read the Dressler outline. I've never made it to the minimum page requirement on any of my papers. Really, I'm just not a busy bee and the law firms know it. I was meant to be a second-wife. There should be some sort of entrance barrier to law school.

2004-09-08T23:57:00.000-04:00

texas justice
all this bs about firms has me thinking. maybe i'd rather do the clerk thing. it's like being a judge, with none of the headline risk. (and, i suppose, none of the life tenure either)

i was going to start a "we love judge sparks" fan club. in case you're not familiar with him, his honor is a federal district judge posted at the western district of texas, and recently penned an order excoriating certain petty argument practices of attorneys appearing before him. the judge complained:

When the undersigned accepted the appointment from the President of the United States of the position now held, he was ready to face the daily practice of law in federal courts with presumably competent lawyers. No one warned the undersigned that in many instances his responsibility would be the same as a person who supervised kindergarten.

and then followed that up with

The Court simply wants to scream to these lawyers, "Get a life" or "Do you have any other cases?" or "When is the last time you registered for anger management classes?"

judge sparks was first brought to my attention earlier this month by poor baby, a poster to this blog (who was kind enough to copy the entire order into three separate comment posts). my interest was piqued when gunner evan schaeffer noted some unease at judge sparks' taking liberties with his opinion-writing, referencing several other bloggers in a post on his (well written and maintained, not to mention well-named) legal underground blog.

in my not so humble opinion, judge sparks is continuing in the long and storied tradition of tongue-in-cheek affirmation of the american legal experiment, just as the case against "satan and his staff," the dismissal (with prejudice) of a "motion to kiss my ass" , and other such greats.

anyway, i said that i was about to start a sparks fan club, because i assumed (incorrectly) that he was the same texas judge who had opined

Both attorneys have obviously entered into a secret pact--complete with hats, handshakes and cryptic words--to draft their pleadings entirely in crayon on the back sides of gravy-stained paper place mats, in the hope that the Court would be so charmed by their child-like efforts that their utter dearth of legal authorities in their briefing would go unnoticed.
Plaintiff "cites" to a single case from the Fourth Circuit. Plaintiff's citation, however, points to a nonexistent Volume "1886" of the Federal Reporter Third Edition and neglects to provide a pinpoint citation for what, after being located, turned out to be a forty-page decision. . . . The Court cannot even begin to comprehend why this case was selected for reference. It is almost as if Plaintiff's counsel chose the opinion by throwing long range darts at the Federal Reporter (remarkably enough hitting a nonexistent volume!)."

in fact, this was an opinion of judge kent, of the southern district of texas.

i suppose the new name of my club would have to be broadened to "we love texas judges" or the like. somehow it just doesn't have the same ring to it, particularly given my feelings on cowboy hats at the gop convention.

2004-09-06T23:51:00.000-04:00

I think it's time to rename this blog. Thus Spake Pork and Beans strikes me as entirely appropriate, considering (s)he has been responsible for our entire output over the last month. Not to take anything away from Pork and Beans's manful effort, but this is supposed to be a group blog....

I'd post more often if I didn't feel guilty for taking the time to do so (Yes, I feel guilty when I take even a small chunk of time to post; I am motivated and ruled almost entirely by guilt in most spheres of my life). I really wish I weren't so drained all of the time. Between journal work, classes and interviews, I just can't find the energy to post anything. I'm starting to see the truth in the old saw "The first year they scare you to death, the second year they work you to death..."

It is a proud boast of our law school that interviewers are not allowed to prescreen students here, but I'm starting to wonder whether this privilege really benefits us in the end. The theory (I believe...if I'm wrong, please correct me) is that a student with less than stellar grades who would have been eliminated if the firm had seen his transcript may get an offer because he so impresses his interviewer during the interview.

I'd like to know whether this ever happens. The interviewers see so many students, and have so few slots, that I imagine grades still play a huge role. After all, what kind of an impression can an interviewer really get in 20 minutes? I assume that far more students interview well than the firm has slots it can devote to students from Penn, and I have a hard time believing Cravath would grant one of its precious callbacks to a student with a transcript full of Bs no matter how wonderfully well he interviewed.

If we were prescreened, we'd have far fewer interviews. We'd be better able to prepare for the smaller number of interviews, and a greater chance of impressing our interviewer, which would make Penn students look more impressive vis-a-vis students from other schools who use the non-prescreened system. Plus, the time savings on our end would make it far easier to accomplish the myriad other tasks we have on our plates during the second year.

That's all for now. I have to finish 50 pages of reading for a seminar tomorrow, and it's already after midnight.

2004-09-06T17:01:00.000-04:00

what's the deal with firms signing on to recruit here, and then adding notes like this to the interview info?

Hiring Criteria - Top 10%; law review preferred.

look, kids. not to be too conceited or anything here, but you're interviewing at penn law. you're already looking at 250 of the most qualified people in the english-speaking world. if i were in the admissions department, i'd be rather upset about this sort of tactic, as it seems to suggest that i couldn't be trusted to screen out the idiots.

then again, maybe the folks at the firm in question really are just looking for the amazingly hardworking individuals among us, because first-years are just going to be doing contract-monkey work anyway, and volume is money. it does seem odd, though, that they advertise this by indicating they care nothing for a potential recruit's interpersonal skills (only discernable through the interview) or personal concern for his psychological well-being (which, imho, is inversely proportional to the amount of time spent in the library).

then again, maybe i'm just bitter about not being the prettiest girl at the dance and having to settle for number 18 instead of having number 1 sending me flowers and chocolate. ...or just desperately afraid of sitting at home by the phone waiting and hoping for crazy stalker guy to call...

2004-09-04T16:13:00.000-04:00

y'know, after arnold's speech last week on "you're a republican if... (and if not, then you're a girlie-man)," i almost --almost-- thought about returning to the gop this november. (if you missed the speech, i recommend taking a peek... it's like a breath of fresh air).

as a committed south park republican, however, i take it as my personal responsibility to boot the authoritarian, paternalistic, whack-jobs at 1600 pennsylvania avenue out on their wrinkly white, born-again asses, and take back my party, damnit. (not that i have a huge problem with born-again types, mind you, it's just a certain brand of full-court-press moralizing that bothers me)

personally, though, i blame the media. they're the ones that paint republicans as old white dudes in suits... time magazine, for instance, recently published an article observing "many students are tilting right — especially toward that brand of conservatism known as libertarianism . . . . [Y]oung Americans are repositioning themselves not only on political but also on cultural matters. More than one-fifth of last year's freshmen said they never party, twice the percentage of 1987."

give me a break. explain to me how an ideology that can't stand the 21 drinking age and the criminalization of marijuana is, at the same time, committed to "never partying." maybe i'm missing something here...

2004-08-31T23:20:00.000-04:00

high court news flash

in a stunning demonstration that the race to the bottom is far from over, the online hon. sandra day o'connor bobblehead has made its debut. (also featured on the site are the annotated j. stevens and c.j. rehnquist bobbleheads, plus various and sundry other entertainments)

i find it particularly entertaining that bobblesandra is neither nodding nor shaking her head, but giving a typically middle-of-the-road balancing head-fake.

...in related news, the rehnquist bobblehead has sold for $374.90 on ebay.

2004-08-26T16:51:00.000-04:00

a thousand apologies for the recent lapse in posting... i myself was on vacation, and had no access to either the internet or telephone service (aside from payphones, i suppose, but they don't really count, because i've completely forgotten how to use them--do you dial a 1? the area code? what about 900 numbers? can i use those from a payphone?). to my knowledge, bangers has been on a golf course for the better part of august, and remains there still (certainly a better way to occupy one's time than, say, working for free). as for the others, i'll let them speak for themselves.

regardless, it's back to school now, and all the innocent, optimistic 1Ls have arrived on campus. there was this lovely little picnic in the courtyard today (no beer, btw--bad form, that), where we, the mature and oh-so-knowledgable 2Ls, were supposed to impart some wisdom and confidence to our successors.

being pathologically anti-social myself, i didn't do a whole lot of that, and instead spent my time griping about having to pay the piper and start work for the journal (sorry, pork rind... i must admit being one of those people, who can't seem to divorce their workload from how they value themselves as a person), remembering how wonderful it was to be on vacation, and eating the free food.

but here's some words of wisdom for the fresh-faced (and not-so-fresh faced, too... certainly wouldn't want to discriminate) 1Ls in the audience: glannon is your friend in civ pro. buy "law school confidential." drink heavily. avoid hooking up with a member of the faculty until at least 2L. and mute your damn computer before you start IM'ing in class.

oh, and welcome to law school--the best (or worst, or not) three years of your life.

2004-08-12T19:53:00.000-04:00

y'know, i'm beginning to think that this whole on-campus bidding process is actually one of the screening filters used by firms. if we're stubborn enough to slog through the mountains of bad data, reams of contradictory rankings, and cacophony of ad nauseam gossip, then we've proven we can handle the slow-set cement that is american law.

...of course, it could work the opposite way: anybody dumb enough to spend days poring over statistics and rumor (and then giving evidentiary weight to same) is obviously unfit for anything beyond burger flipping, and/or committment to the psych ward.

at this point, a nice, snug straitjacket does sound rather appealing.

2004-08-10T07:24:00.000-04:00

were it not for the graphic savagery of the crime, the florida xbox sextuple-homicide would be funny. apparently, authorities still haven't managed to identify one of the victims, even dental records being useless. oh, and the probation officer charged with keeping the leader of the group (and owner of the xbox) under surveillance has been fired. glad to see the florida executive branch is still operating at peak efficiency.

i'll tell you one thing: this is not the reason i went to law school. even giving this guy and his accomplices the benefit of a trial rasies all sorts of moral issues, by putting them on the same level as the state. (though, i suppose that's ok, since law is only tertiarily concerned with morality...)

then again, maybe they can argue they weren't acting voluntarily...

2004-08-03T22:31:00.000-04:00

so this whole recruting thing is beginning to wear me out. this is problematic, as bidding hasn't even started yet, and i'm only about a hour into my "research" (read: procrastination). can someone explain to me how exactly i'm supposed to divine the true nature of each one of 200 different firms from the shallow platitudes and bland superlatives they put on their websites? oh, and someone please explain to me why all the firms that score well with associates are those outside new york. (ok, so there's ONE nyc firm in the top ten--effectively de minimis--and they probably cooked their survey stats to get there anyway.)

am i foolish for thinking there's some analytical method whereby i can find the perfect firm (or, hell, even a set of five!) for me? i want balance, damnit. i want 70-80 hours a week, and a big pile of cash. i don't need a mountain of cash. and i want my weekends, but i can do without beauty sleep for most of the week. perhaps there's some truth to the idea that too many choices equals paralytic indecision. perhaps we'd be better off if this were like consulting or investment banking, where there are really only three or four options.

...oh, who am i kidding. there's only one metric i really care about...

2004-07-27T19:05:00.000-04:00

The logo just under discussion.

2004-07-27T14:21:00.000-04:00

IM Discussion about the New 1L Underground Logo

Bacon: What the hell is that?
Bacon: I'm the ass? How come I have to be the ass?
Pork Roll: how great is that?
Pork Roll: that's our logo
Pork Roll: we're going to make our site posh
Bacon: I don't want to be the ass!
Bacon: Switch me out with Pork n Beans!
Pork Roll: why?
Bacon: Because he can be the ass.
Pork Roll: i like it
Bacon: Then you be the ass.
Pork Roll: don't be difficult

2004-07-20T15:19:00.000-04:00

I just sent out my first resume and cover letter. I plan on avoiding OCR entirely and taking call back week to build snowmen or something. I'll let you all know how well my plan works.

2004-07-19T18:50:00.000-04:00

I feel bad for modern US liberals/progressives who continue to embarrass themselves in the eyes of most Americans with their (selective) ridiculous oversensitivity. The lobotomy necessary to successfully sit through a Michael Moore movie must also have deleterious effects on one's sense of humor. How else to explain this?

In brief, California's governor is in the midst of a battle with the state legislature over spending. The particulars of the fight aren't important, but the governor tried to use humor in a recent press conference:

Borrowing from an old SNL skit, "Pumping up with Hans and Fritz," Governor Schwartzenegger called Democratic legislators who refuse to go along with spending cuts "girlie men."

State Sen. Sheila Kuehl said the governor had resorted to "blatant homophobia."

"It uses an image that is associated with gay men in an insulting way, and it was supposed to be an insult. That's very troubling that he would use such a homophobic way of trying to put down legislative leadership," said Kuehl, one of five members of the Legislature's five-member Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Caucus. . . .

Assemblyman Mark Leno, a San Francisco Democrat who is chairman of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Caucus, said he was glad Schwarzenegger didn't repeat the "girlie men" remark Sunday, saying it was "as misogynist as it is anti-gay."

"To disparage a group of law abiding tax paying citizens is just wrong," Leno said.

Does SNL really keep people up at night? I thought the problem with Saturday Night Live was that it wasn't funny; I didn't realize how deeply it cut my fellow citizens. It's nice to know that there are no important, substantive issues California's representatives need to deal with. Then again, perhaps such misplaced energy keeps them from doing their normal mischief. Don't bother explaining to me how important this media-inspired kerfluffle really is; I don't buy it.

Would I have called used the term "girlie men?" No; I'm extremely careful with my language and constantly worried my motives will be misconstrued (as a non-Democrat, I realize that many of my classmates already consider me one small step above a bigot). I probably would have compared these profligate spenders to drunken sailors. Then again, I'm sure I'd be lambasted by groups for slandering alcoholics.

The only "group of law abiding tax paying citizens" the Governor was lambasting [sic] was the group of legislators who refuse to pass a budget. It's amazing how many of the same people who delight in comparing George Bush to Adolf Hitler (responsible for the death of 12 million men, women, and children in organized killing camps) find "girlie men" beyond the pale. Get a life.

(Hat Tip: WSJ's Best of the Web)

2004-07-19T17:56:00.000-04:00

Wow! It's so wonderful to hear from Pork Rind after her long summer slaving away in the legal coal mines that I'm speechless; her energy (and animosity?) is truly breathtaking. I concur with much of what she has to say, and I no longer feel the full post I was planning to write about classmates who announce to the world that they've been "lucky enough to have been chosen for Law Review" is necessary.

I understand that my classmates who have been chosen as associate editors of a desired journal find themselves in somewhat of a bind: one always desires to share good news, but the fact that one doesn't know which journal a potential interlocutor has been chosen for (if (s)he has been chosen at all) means that some delicacy is essential. Everyone should chill out a bit, and wait for the membership rosters to be published.

Keep in mind that we can't all be equally happy with the outcome of the writing competition. There's little point in playing a game in which everybody wins; membership is valuable in large part because it's relatively difficult to obtain. Law students do tend towards the competitive, and "losing" hurts.

Anyway, congratulations to those of you who got what you wanted. And for those of you who had hoped for a different outcome, remember the writing competition was one (relatively stupid) battle in a long war.

2004-07-19T17:55:00.000-04:00

For fuck's sake. GO AWAY!

It's mid-July, and suddenly, my law school buddy list comes alive, and everyone who hasn't felt the need to speak to me all summer - or, in some cases, hardly ever all last year - is suddenly IMing me. And they all either want to tell me they made it on to a journal, or for me to tell them it's OK that they didn't make it on to one. That, and they all seem to want to know what classes I am taking, because, golly-gee-whillickers, you mean I didn't pick all my classes on the first day they were available?

No, you neurotic, overachieving uber-twit, I have not picked my classes. Nay, not even given them a thought, because guess what, we are all going to change our minds a million times before the drop/add deadline even begins to approach, and also because it's fucking SUMMER, and I have all year to think about this crap. Thanks for asking, though.

And, no, I do NOT want to tell you all about my job at Giant New York Law Firm. And no, I don't want to be your resource, and tell you how to look for firm jobs, or what the "atmosphere" is like. Sniff some white-out, stay up till 3 AM and self-administer a few papercuts, that'll give you a good idea of the fucking atmosphere around here. Asshole. Oh - and, no, I don't want to hear about your job either. There is nothing so unique and exciting about your experience that I can't learn from the Office of Career Derailment, I mean Development. That's right, bitch, your momma was wrong, and you ain't special. And neither is your ghetto-ass, unpaid, took-whatever-I-could-get summer job.

Leave me alone! It's SUMMER! We think about this crap all the rest of the year, and in less than two years, we'll be thinking about it the rest of our bloody LIVES. Do you REALLY not get enough of it during the year? Must you REALLY ruminate about this crap in the middle of summer? Fuckin' A, people! I appreciate the fact that you are over-achievers, the movers and shakers of the future, but for fuck's sake, I have my B/B+ average, I'm smack dab in the middle of the class, leave me to my dead-end job at a life-sucking firm and go blow a federal judge under the bench, just LEAVE ME ALONE!

2004-07-19T17:15:00.000-04:00

hot off the wire: it appears the law library at penn has provided a quick reference page on blogs and blawgs (never really liked that term, personally). some of the great legal blogs are included. interestingly enough, however, there's a conspicuous absence of a certain penn law blog . . .

2004-07-12T19:18:00.000-04:00

music to my ears, porkroll. though, i'd like to think of a summer hiatus as burnout protection, rather than laziness.

to assuage any fears i'd permanently left the building (lest that be chalked up as the explanation for the long intermission), i offer the following for your listening pleasure: from the archives, "appointed forever" by bar & grill singers, an inspiring ditty extolling the perks of service on the federal bench, set to the turtles' "happy together." a selection:

I’m a federal judge
And I’m smarter than you
I can do whatever I want to do
For all my life.

apparently it's caught the eye of at least one federal judge. See Suboh v. Borgioli, 298 F. Supp. 2d 192, 194 (D. Ma. 2004). of course, one hopes all jurists are as appreciative of satire...

2004-07-12T18:24:00.000-04:00

To keep their blogs active (and forestall losing their readers) during the summer months when many of us law students are too lazy to post, I see that some blogs have decided to host guest bloggers. That's a wonderful idea. Unfortunately, however, I don't think Notes star shines bright enough in the firmament of blawgs to have groupies, at least outside of Penn's incoming 1L class.

Our spies at some of the admitted students events hosted in various cities throughout the country made us aware of this site's popularity among some impressionable incoming 1Ls. This gave Bacon and me an idea. We should have a contest for one or two new bloggers to be selected from the new 1L class. This blog is entitled, after all, Notes from the 1L Underground. So, if anyone out there is interested, s(he) should send an email containing a sample post to Bacon or me. We'll post funny ones, and invite anyone we find particularly amusing to join us.

PS. I'd like to thank the tireless Bacon for her semi-heroic efforts in keeping the blog alive. I'd also like to thank the police officers and nonprofits of the world for inspiring her by their depraved existences. Not only does she work at least 15 hours a week, but she posts regularly (during work hours, of course). Bacon truly is a dynamo.

PPS. It feels good to finally post something. Hopefully the cobwebs are gone, and I'll start posting more regularly. No promises, though, at least until Corporations and Evidence start (at which point I'll have hours each week with absolutely nothing better to do.)

2004-07-12T17:04:00.000-04:00

Hindsight is 20/20

Today Ms. B and I had a lunch meeting at a non-profit legal clinic in Los Angeles. We drove past it several times as we were looking for a law office and not a crack whore ghetto apartment house. You see, it's confusing when you're expecting some sort of law office signage and all you see is a iron-barred porch set with a Snak Shak vending machine dispensing Skittles and Cheez N Crackers.

We couldn't find parking in the dirt lot attached to the office, so we parked on the street, in front of some people replacing what looked like the entire transmission of their 1974 12-passenger Chevrolet van.

Inside, we were led into the conference room. Everyone was already seated and enjoying their lunches of ham. Lots and lots of ham. I sat in a chair with only one armrest. I assume the other one had been chewed off by someone trying to get away.

We were asked to introduce ourselves to each other as "the nonprofit community is small and someday the people in this room [would be our] colleagues." At this point -- reeling from the smell of ham and disoriented by the single armrest -- I was about to cry. That was to be my future? Ham and cheez and office furniture from 1968? Why hadn't I been introduced to this world before I started law school? I would have worked a hell of a lot harder.

2004-06-29T13:52:00.000-04:00

Breaking the Law

Yesterday morning I drove down to Los Angeles from Santa Cruz. The drive normally takes about 6 to 7 hours. I made it in 5 with a stop along the way, which might explain the massive speeding ticket I got somewhere around Bakersfield. Yet, I blame law school for my ticket.

Friendly CHP Officer Chielo: Did you know the maximum speed here is 55?
Bacon: Well . . . yes.
FCOC: Do you know how fast you were going?
B: Faster than that?
FCOC: 90.
B: I see.
FCOC: I need to see your driver's license and registration.
B: [shit] Okay, I have the registration, but I lost my ID last week [in a bar somewhere in Los Angeles and I'm pretty sure it's now being used by traffickers to get mail order brides into the country.]
FCOC: That's alright. Do you have anything with a picture?
B: Only my school ID. [I hand him the Penn card.]
FCOC: YOU'RE A LAWYER? [but more like, You're a LEPER?]
B: No, no! I'm just in law school. Really.
FCOC: I have to issue you a citation.

Friendly Officer Chielo was friendly up until the Penn Law ID came out. Then it was all "Step out of the car" and "I need to fingerprint you." Stupid law school. It gets me every time.

2004-06-23T12:59:00.000-04:00

Object Lesson

Ms. B and I normally put in a 5 hour day at the non-profit. By 2pm, we're driving toward the beach. Yesterday, however, our director informed us we were to have a staff meeting at 2:45. We were bitter. But we went. It was particularly boring. Around 4pm, Ms. B passed her notepad over to me with a tic-tac-toe game drawn on it. She took the center with an X. I took the bottom left corner with an O. We went back and forth. It ended a draw. She thought for a minute and wrote this at the bottom of the page, "See? Nobody wins at staff meetings." And there you are.

2004-06-14T14:38:00.000-04:00

Sweet Sweet Summer Employment

I've used my allotment of six pushpins and I don't have any scissors except for a non-pointy children's pair with green plastic handles, but at least I'm not Swabbing Radioactive Toilets on Taco Night

2004-06-11T12:11:00.000-04:00

Relationship Advice from My Father

"Never marry a man who can cook; it means he's cheap."

2004-06-10T15:14:00.000-04:00

I have just returned to my desk after a fruitless search for pushpins in the office supply closet/kitchen/bathroom/homeless parakeet sanctuary. I think I hate working for non-profits. I tried to tell myself it's character building, but no -- I hate it. I hate the badly lit, multi-use spaces that smell like stale coffee. I hate having to share staples. I hate BIC pens. Obviously I'm a terrible person.

2004-06-08T16:08:00.000-04:00

Bacon Answers Reader Mail A Full 2-Months after She Receives It!

Bacon,

I am a 0L planning on attending Law School in the fall and reading all about you and your friends' experiences have gotten me excited about the fall!

Looking back, is there anything you would have done different in preparing for law school? Anything you would have done differently during 1L? I'd really enjoy it if you or any of the others would address this, kind of a year in review type thing.

Thanks! Have a great summer!!

K

---------------

Dear K,

You seem perky and optimistic -- law school should beat that out of you in the first week or so. To best prepare for this, you might try to encourage strangers in the street to verbally abuse you and perhaps laugh at you after you begin to cry. Otherwise, the reading you learned to do in 1st grade should be enough to carry you through your first year. Take a look at the students of Penn Law -- it's pretty obvious most of them have no skills.

Love,

B

--------------
--------------

B,

Do you have any recommendations on how far west of
campus it's reasonably safe to live? I come from cow
country, and I've been to Philly 4 times in my life,
so I can't really judge for myself. I've been told
that anything west of campus or 40th street is bad,
and also that the 40's are okay but not to go past
50th. I asked the Magic 8 Ball if I would die if I
lived in West Philly and it said "Better Not Tell You
Now." This cannot be good. But I've been contacted
about a sweet deal for not one but TWO rooms in a
house on 44th St. Please help.

Love,

m

----------

Dear M,

Because I have been so terribly tardy in answering you, I assume you're dead from living in West Philly, homeless from not having made a decision yet, or happily settled in your new ghetto home. I'm hoping it's the latter. If it is the latter, when you have your housewarming, please invite me. I'll bring the 40s.

I think I went to West Philly once, for brunch with a professor. He gave me my lowest grade. I hate him. In any case, I've passed your message on to the expert, the Marvelous Ms. B. She says:

"I lived on 46th/Spruce for the entire academic year and never felt as though I were risking life, limb or, more importantly, precious (expensive) textbooks as I walked to/from school every single day. Well, every day except when it was really windy or snowy or I was particularly lazy. The rooms are worth looking into...West Philly gets a bad rap, but it actually has a nice artistic character and, besides, multiple shakings of the Magic 8 ball have confirmed my faith in WP. Beware of places west of 48th. Otherwise, go for it."

So there you have it, M.

Love,

B,

--------------
--------------

Hey! I really enjoy your blog. I was wondering if you could answer these questions for me:

1) Whats the cheapest you can get a fairly nice 1bdrm apt for, without a hassle? Cause boyfriend and I dont wanna spend anymore than 1000 a month. We already sent in the deposit for the dorm, so please tell me it isn't too bad. Is there hot water in the winter and a/c when it is hot? Thanks!

2) Could one of you guys possibly assemble a little list telling which 1L professors are known as "good" and which to avoid? (not that anyone has any control over this...) Thanks a million, and good luck on your exams!

-Girlfriend of a 0L

----------

Dear Girl,

I've been to the dorms all of once. They were . . . gross, and they're filled with nerds. If you've already sent in your deposit, no one can help you now. I would advise investing in some glue traps and a really really thick mattress cover to muffle the crackling sound of that plastic coated twin extra-long you'll be sharing.

As to professors, you don't get a choice, so it doesn't matter who you get. In any case, they should all be avoided.

Love,

B

2004-06-08T15:07:00.000-04:00

My Lunch with Mr. Justice or Career Planning by Force

Mr. Justice: So you're interested in applying to law school?
Bacon: Well . . . no . . . I'm in law school currently.
MJ: Hm . . . all my clerks are from Harvard or Stanford.
B: Um, okay, I've already got a summer position. I think my grandma just wanted me to meet you.
MJ: Where do you go to school? What was your LSAT score? What's your rank there?
B: Wha? I already have a summer position. And Penn doesn't rank. I think my grandma really just wanted me to meet you and say hi.
MJ: That's a lie. They all rank.
B: Penn doesn't rank.
MJ: They all rank.
B: Penn doesn't rank.
B:[thinking] What did I just say? Jesus. Penn doesn't rank, alright?
. . .
MJ: Well, all my clerks are from Harvard or Stanford.
B: Oh.
MJ: Yes, each year I receive thousands of resumes, and those are always the ones I choose!
B: So you're an alum?
MJ: Well, no. But you have to understand now, I went to school at a time when minorities just didn't go to law school, so I went to --
B:[thinking] WHAT? YOU, JACKASS, ARE RIDING ME FOR GOING TO PENN WHEN YOU WENT TO A THIRD-TIER LAW SCHOOL AT NIGHT?? And don't try to play the minority card with me; I got you beat -- I'm a minority AND A GIRL. And when was this time of oppression and disenfranchisement? the '70s? the '80s?
. . .
MJ: You don't want to clerk? Everyone wants to clerk!
B: I don't want to clerk.
MJ: What do you want to do then?
B: Be abused at a giant firm.
MJ: Why would you want to do transaction work? That's boring.
B: I used to work in corporate finance. I'm used to boring.
MJ: You should clerk. But not for state court. Federal court is where you want to be.
B: I want to be at a firm.
MJ: No you don't.
B: Yes, I do.
MJ: NO YOU DON'T.
B:[thinking] Yes, I do, jackass. What's my alternative? suffer you and your inferiority complex for $10/hr?
B: Really, I think my grandma just wanted me to meet you.
MJ: For advice.
B: Sure, whatever.
MJ: Well, my advice to you is, and this is very important . . . when young men chase you, don't run too fast to be caught.
B: What?
MJ: Just don't forget you'll want a family and not only a career later.
B:[thinking] He DID NOT just say that to me.
MJ: Yes, family is important -- especially for women.
B:[thinking] He did just say that to me.
B:[thinking] I think I'm going to punch him in the face.
MJ: Well, I must be getting along now. It was nice meeting you. You seem like a nice girl with a lot of potential.

2004-05-12T17:53:00.000-04:00

It's been way too long since I've written a post, but after battling exams and the three-headed hydra known as the writing competition, I was spent. Plus, I had to move all of my stuff out of the school-sponsored ghetto I lived in for 9 months and say goodbye to friends. It's nice to be home for a week before I leave for my summer destination. I tried to go to the beach today, but it started raining. Oh well. Other than that, I've done absolutely nothing of substance since leaving school.

I hope everyone (including my co-bloggers, whom I haven't spoken to since leaving Philadelphia) likes the blog's new look. If there are serious objections, I can either change it back, or to something else. However, I was so excited when I logged into Blogger for the first time in a long time and saw the improved interface and new templates. Like a kid in a candy store, I just had to try one.

Song of the Day: Milli Vanilli -- Blame it on the Rain

2004-05-08T15:46:00.000-04:00

some wisdom on the iraq conflict:

Hence it is to be remarked that, in seizing a state, the conqueror ought to examine closely into all those injuries which it is necessary for him to inflict, and do all the injuries at once, so as not to have to repeat them daily; and thus by not unsettling men he will be able to reassure them, and win them to himself by benefits. He who does otherwise, either from timidity or evil advice, is always compelled to keep the knife in his hand; neither can he rely on his subjects, nor can they attach themselves to him, owing to their continued and repeated wrongs. For injuries ought to be done all at one time, so that, being tasted less, they offend less; benefits ought to be given little by little, so that the flavour of them may last longer.

--Machiavelli, The Prince, Chapter 8

2004-05-07T16:54:00.000-04:00

so i'm watching the friends finale last night, and there, in the midst of the sappy prate that passes for situation comedy these days, is one of the most fantastic beer ads i've ever seen.

i'll quote a description from a friend of mine: "this new one starts out innocuously enough: one guy talks about wiping his hands dry on [my] dog, etc. Ok. Whatever. Then, at the end of the commercial, this guy says, 'I've dated a woman for her brains,' and then they interview three more guys and it's like, 'Yeah, her big... huge... BRAINS.' Wink wink. Nudge nudge."

the implication of course being that by "brains" they mean "booby-melons".

now, being a brainy (in the more common sense of the term) person herself (in addition to being good looking), she's very irritated by this ad, because she feels that it disparages brains. my feeling is that it's pro-breasts, and merely acknowledges a conclusion that most women have already come to, specifically, that they would prefer to be drop-dead gorgeous than peg-the-iq-scale brilliant, because most men can see better than they can think.

i recently read a survey indicating that the gender of the joke-teller is nearly as important as its content--apparently, women tend to be ok with sexual jokes told by other women, but not with the same humor told by men. i wonder--would beer ads be as reviled (or as funny) if they featured women cracking the jokes?

2004-05-04T23:56:00.000-04:00

The editing portion of the Journal Competition is over. During the 30+ hours I spent locked in Pepper 100, I corrected eight pages of unintelligible crazy madness: ill-formed parentheticals, citations to a Moon Treaty, sections in Irish. IRISH. Even the Irish don't read Irish. I had to use a micro-tip red pen to cram all the corrections onto the 11X14 page. Did I mention that I'm now blind? Well, I'm now blind. And surly.

2004-04-30T21:51:00.000-04:00

Whoever that was that took me up on my sexual offer, thank you...you were great. And a big thanks to whoever it was feeding me during the romp...my two passions combined into one magical evening!!!

2004-04-30T15:38:00.000-04:00

I’d like to be able to say that I haven’t posted in such a long time because I’ve been too busy studying for exams, but that would be a lie, and I don’t lie when writing under a pseudonym (I do, however, occasionally lie to people’s faces, but that’s different...) Exams are finished (notice the passive voice.) I don’t feel a great deal of emotion about the end of 1L year, and I think I have figured out why. Quite honestly, my exam preparation was pretty inadequate. I really only spent one and a half full days studying for my final two exams. I don’t feel the same level of relief and jubilation to stop working because I wasn’t really working that hard. Sure, I had some fun during my wasted hours: inasmuch as I don’t have a car here at school, a trip to Target (where I purchased colored Tootsie Rolls) and the Olive Garden in Bala Cynwid (I have no idea how to pronounce that!) on the Saturday before my Crim final (a subject about which I knew next to nothing) was on balance a good thing (far more fun than any restaurant or bar I've been to in Center City in a long time), and worth whatever damage to my Crim grade it may have caused. However, most of my time was just wasted, doing nothing I couldn’t have done after I had finished my exams.

I wonder how this bodes for my future as a lawyer who will be forced to account for his time in ten minute increments. It’s 3:30pm, and I’ve done absolutely nothing of substance (other than go to the gym) in the 4 and a half hours I’ve been awake.

I recount this tale not out of some sort of sick lazy law student braggadocio; this is more for me to look back once I actually have a job. I truly have no idea as to how I performed, so it’s not as if I’m saying that I did no work and got all As; my final exam grades may accurately reflect my preparation level.

There’s a certain type of college student who needs to be the busiest bee on the block (they exist in law school, too, although in smaller numbers than they did in undergrad.) Overextension becomes a badge of honor. If you have one exam, she has two; if you’re going to be in class for four hours with a half hour break, she has 6 hours of back-to-back classes. You have a 15 page paper to write this weekend; he has two papers, and three articles to write, and a fellow student to defend in a judiciary trial. Of course, he wrote the papers in 2 hours, and received As on both, helped the student get a not guilty verdict, and got hammered Friday and Saturday night. Those students always have infuriated me, not because I believed they were lying (although many were), but because they felt it necessary to talk about it so much and compete with each other so publically. I’ve always been far more impressed by the (very rare) student who does as much (or even more) as she claims she does, and those (unlike me at the present juncture) who are lazy in silence.

2004-04-30T02:14:00.000-04:00

wow.

done with 1l.

allow me to be the first to (officially) congratulate the UPLS class of 2006 on its accomplishment.

kind of scared, now.

well, that, and...

...the hangover has come early....

(but, i'm making good use of the four-period ellipsis--ha! take that, law review!)

2004-04-28T23:16:00.000-04:00

WANTED: Post-finals sexual companionship. No strings attached. I am a sensitive, caring, 20 something drunk who will be more than willing to buy you excessive amounts of drinks if that is what it will take...In the spirit of anonymity, I am between 5'8 and 6'0 and roughly 180 lbs. I may be a bit on the scrawny side, but a stallioin in bed and VERY experiamental. All fetishes welcomed. If interested, respond to this post by 4 p.m. because, I will have to watch my consumption level...for obvious reasons. Ok. Great.

2004-04-26T16:23:00.000-04:00

Back From the Dead (a.k.a. the Epitaph Strikes Back)
Well, after a considerable amount of time away spent cavorting with supermodels, working on my dual Ph.D. program in the psychology of procrastination in early adulthood, and learning why daddy is in jail (studying for crim), I return. I wish I could say triumphantly, but we still have a 4 hour Con final Thursday on which we are not supposed to get too detailed, we can write in incomplete sentences, but provide plenty of detail and explanation. Those were our exam instructions, in case your powers of deduction are weak from over- use, under-development, or malted hops and bong resin. Anyway, I am not staying around long. I have to nap, call dad to tell him we may be able to get him out on a legal impossibility issue, and then learn Con Law in two days. I rule. Here are some thoughts that I would like to leave you with:

a. Liberals have great points about many things...I can finally admit this. It is certainly refreshing to hear SOMEONE point out, correctly I might add, that writing discrimination in the Constitution is a BAD thing, a blind dependence on incarceration will NEVER work, and that it is ok to be disgusted by Corporate America. However, your stinking big-government nonsense ain't the answer pal...just stop, you're wrong. Government is heinous and the only reason you support their overbearing existence is so, one day, you too can have a job...that is, after your stint in public service.... There. I feel better. If you have an issue with any of this, take it up with my North Philly office...in-person inquiries only please.
b. Sorry about that. Post-exam stress relief.
c. I have officially opened my post-exam betting window with these odds on the following bets:
1. I will be drunk within an hour of the end of the exam 1:1
2. I will be drunk 15 minutes after leaving the exam room 3:1
3. I will be drunk before leaving the exam room (time frame will be from the time exam time is called to my natural exit...no rigged delay will occur) 6:1
4. Someone will cry during the exam 3.5:1
5. It will be Prof Con Law (assuming that 4 occurs) 2:1

2004-04-25T19:25:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is Crim Law. This has inspired my roommate to IM me this:

"i want to go up to professor Ferdinand Wakeman Hubbell with a gun that shoots a flag that says "fuck you" while wearing a 'mens rea that!' tshirt."

Damn.

2004-04-23T09:08:00.000-04:00

It's my birthday! And yet, I still have a 4-hour Labor Law final today.

2004-04-21T00:55:00.000-04:00

The Magic Eight Ball never lies. Go ahead. Try it.

2004-04-21T00:52:00.000-04:00

Law school has made me insane. I wake up at 5:30 every morning after dreaming about falling down in pointe shoes.

2004-04-19T11:39:00.000-04:00

I've finished my paper, but my resentment at Prof. L&S for having assigned it is nowhere near over.

2004-04-17T13:43:00.000-04:00

An IM Conversation at the Library

Bacon’s Roommate: i just asked magic 8 ball if i'm going to get an A in Con law and it said, no
Bacon: It means A+!
BR: no more questions about grades!
BR: i just asked it if K wants to date me and it said, Yes
B: See?
BR: i just asked it if he's going to ask me out this semester and it said, outlook good
B: The magic 8 ball never lies.
BR: it's predictable! it goes in the same order
B: No it doesn't. It's magic.
BR: i just asked it if we're going to have sex before i leave for NY and it said NO
B: See? It's right.
BR: haha. how very sad.
B: No, ask it a question about Star Jones.
BR: i just asked if Star weighs over 300 pounds and it said, Very doubtful.
B: I think that's true. 300lbs is a lot.
B: She's only like 5' tall.
BR: i just asked if Star is thin and it said, ask again later
B: Okay, stop asking the 8 ball.
BR: it's addictive
B: See, you probably weigh about 100lbs. Star is like 3 of you. Right?
B: I'm right.
B: I know.
BR: Star is like 10 of me
BR: woah, my nipple was showing just now
B: I missed it.
BR: it tends to poke out of this dress at times.
B: You should get that dress tape.
BR: but the stickiness!
B: I can't wait until all the dust settles. I hope Shady Personal Injury Firm gets back to me soon. I called today -- he's out of the office. HE NEVER WORKS.
BR: that fucker is out chasing ambulances
B: He's setting booby traps on the subway.
BR: yeah, he's a busy man. he's got to make these victims whole.
B: Whatever. He's just loosening manhole covers in Soho.
BR: he's a hands-on kinda lawyer
B: Yeah, I wonder if he's an ass grabber.
BR: you KNOW he is
BR: he probably wears pinstripe suits and cufflinks. with slicked back hair
B: There's a picture. http://www.----.com/attorneys.htm
B: Mr. Hiring Partner, middle left.
BR: this is such a cheesy web site!!
BR: But the guy on the right looks SERIOUS
B: I want to pose for a picture with them. I can cross my arms and scowl.
BR: you should hold a hairless cat in your arms too
BR: none of these fools went to an ivy league law schools
B: None of them even went to a 3rd tier law school.
B: What the hell is New York Law School?
BR: i took my LSAT there. it is very suspect.
BR: if these fuckers pass law school, WE CAN.
B: Yes, but only I actually want to work with these people.
B: They should want me too!
BR: shit, that dude looks serious.
B: Totally. He looks like he has POW/MIA tatoos.
BR: He is one serious motherfucker!
B: He kills people for fun.
BR: you know he probably owns hamsters, though
B: Mickey and Mr. Fluffy.
BR: and they run on their wheel
B: He hand feeds them pellets at night.
BR: yeah! he pets them with just one index finger
BR: he'd do something whack like dress you up in a pink bunny costume while you were sleeping
B: and then kill me with a gun he'd been saving since WWII.
BR: yeah, a gun that he calls "sheila"
B: He cleans it every night after putting the hamsters to bed.
BR: he closes his eyes and kisses the barrel
B: oh sheila . . . the one who understands me.
B: No! Mr. Fluffy! Leave Sheila alone!
BR: 'he personally supervises a staff of lawyers and paralegals who devote tremendous time and energy to helping these victims to restore order to their lives during this difficult and painful time"!
BR: yeah, his picture looks SO sympathetic to people's problems!!
BR: that picture says, "what the fuck you lookin' at??"
B: POW MIA 4EVA!
BR: that's on his left cufflink
B: He's probably a Mason.
BR: i bet! he wears druid capes and shit
B: But maybe dresses up as a hamster at home.
BR: i want his picture on our wall.
B: He's not a name partner.

2004-04-17T12:26:00.000-04:00

As you've likely deduced based on the last few posts by my co-conspirators, classes are finished and exam season is in full swing here at Penn. We had a very nice end-of-semester cookout (I recall reading somewhere recently that a barbeque requires food with actual barbeque sauce; when only hot dogs and hamburgers are served, cookout is the proper moniker) in the courtyard at school. Friday was beautiful, and the cookout was a great way to end the semester. I spent the rest of the evening in the library, since I have a paper due Monday in place of an exam for my law and society class (Bacon and I share an elective). It's not going well...and I have other subjects to learn before the exams later in the week. I'll survive the next few weeks, but it's not going to be pretty.

PS. I was looking at a book written by my Crim professor this morning entitled Bad Acts and Guilty Minds. If you omit the very last s, I think it'd make an excellent title for my autobiography.

2004-04-17T11:58:00.000-04:00

I'm up to a page.

2004-04-16T19:20:00.000-04:00

ok, so i'm at the law school, cramming the finer points of civil rights protection into my head, on the friday of spring fling. highly upsetting. but i had my fun last night at the aforementioned open bar, so i suppose i shouldn't really be complaining.

the one saving grace is the fact that i have the company of Beatallica! (combo of beatles tunes and metallica sound). many thanks to the folks in the IP class for the tip.

2004-04-16T18:02:00.000-04:00

I have written one sentence of my final paper for Law & Society.

2004-04-16T02:18:00.000-04:00

A poem about discrete insular minorities from a particularly brilliant classmate of mine (we may call him Sausage):
Midgets are discrete
They fit under my feet
And they are insular
Fifty fit in a car

A limerick from the same brilliant classmate:
There once an old man named Blackstone
Who wrote a very lengthy tome
it was widely read
by judges now dead
But Boring Blackie still died alone

And a con law limerick from yours truly:
There once was a lassie named Brown
Who lived in a segregated town
This pissed off her dad
who sued Board of Ed
and the Board of Ed got a beat-down.

(and this is ALL I know about con law. Professor Con Law, if you get an exam with this limerick on it, please don't give it a C. Please?)

2004-04-15T19:10:00.000-04:00

The Graduate and Professional Student Association is having its last social gathering of the year, and no one will come with me. Sure most of the people there will be socially awkward and talking in robot voices or wearing their new Spock outfit, but there's an open bar! Come on people, OPEN BAR! And no recruiting attorneys to stand in the way.

Everyone says they're studying, but finals aren't until next week. And if last semester is any indication, studying is way overrated. You study one night, you go take the test, you collect your B+/- and you move on. But fine, if no one else wants to go, I'll just drink your share.

2004-04-14T20:51:00.000-04:00

Hard Times at Penn Law High

The semester is ending and everyone's poor. Luckily at Penn, you can charge things onto your bursar's
card. This week, I've managed to spend about $2.00 in cash and $60.00 on my bursar's card. Breakfast,
lunch, my new umbrella -- all on the bursar's card. Commercial outlines? Bursar. Lightbulbs? Post-its?
Pudding? That's right, the bursar. It's even a verb -- to bursar. For usage, please see this afternoon's
conversation.

Bacon's Roommate: I'm going to Stern. I need coffee and I don't have any cash.
Bacon: I want a cafe au lait; they don't have that at Stern.
Bacon's Roommate: Yeah, but I have to bursar it.
Marguilis: Go to the bookstore! They espresso drinks and you can bursar those!
My Pal SF: You guys are making me sad.
Marguilis: She's sad because she used her whole bursar allowance.
Bacon: What?
My Pal SF: I bursared all my Christmas presents, and some appliances.
Bacon: Appliances?
My Pal SF: And some CD's.
Bacon: Damn, I only got pudding. Let's go to the bookstore!

Note to self: Do not wave and smile at Prof. Con Law while writing blog post. He will notice and comment.

2004-04-14T14:21:00.000-04:00

moral fascism's crusade continues...
FBI declares war on porn
human-interest story on same... about an FBI investigator on the case
indecency bill gets fast-tracked in congress
Mississippi bans sex toys (thanks to How Appealing)

But we're fighting back...
the details on Ashcroft (composite photo of little porn pictures) - thanks to Legal Underground for the link

2004-04-14T00:43:00.000-04:00

While this blog exists primarily for the benefit of its readers, a subsidiary purpose is to chronicle the law school experience for its authors. I really think we’ll all enjoy these rantings (described by one of you in the comments as “Precambrian”) so much more ten years from now. In that vein, I’ve decided to share with you all a law school story from last semester that is near and dear to my heart.

I Just Went Splat

The signal event of my first semester of law school has already entered into Penn Law lore; it will be known forevermore as “The Fall.” It all started innocently enough, on a day just like any other day. I was rushing to class one weekday morning from my apartment in University City, doing my best to be on time for Property (Oh, how I loved Property!!! :)) when all of the sudden, the ground beneath me gave way. I felt like I had fallen into the center of the earth, but it was “just” a pothole. A massive, Philadelphia pothole, which had had swallowed my leg right up! Even though I flailed my arms back and forth, those damn Philly drivers refused to stop and help me up; they just kept driving around me like they were on some sort of obstacle course. I felt like the old woman on the Life Alert commercials who cries “I’ve fallen! And I can’t get up!” No one hears her, of course; she lives all alone, just like me. I limped for more than a month.

2004-04-14T00:31:00.000-04:00

I chose Penn Law over FIT. It's now finals time. I wish I had gone to FIT.

2004-04-12T23:06:00.000-04:00

onward christian soldiers?

after all this sturm und drang over abortion, and the widespread use of "Christian" as a perjorative for the more literal-minded among the faith, i've decided to take back the title "Christian" for the mainstream. now, admittedly, as a protestant, i'm a bit uncomfortable with the term. It does seem to connote a certain proselytizing mindset. however, the idea that only bible-beaters have a claim to the name makes about as much sense as reserving the term "lawyer" for only litigators, or, say, "communist" for only Democrats (well...).

christianity generally, not to mention a great many adherents of the christian faith specifically, has provided this world with a lot of good stuff. viz., humanism, individual liberty, equality before the law (and god), etc., not to mention a general commandment to love other people. christianity, in the long run, has been positive (albeit not overwhelmingly) for the world.

to argue that christianity belongs directly in acts of the state, however, starts raising problems. and not just from a individualistic your-god-ain't-my-god standpoint either. that's pretty familiar ground, so i won't belabor that point.

much of christianity's strength comes from its separateness from the state. unlike nation-states, which are chiefly concerned with the transient causes of the world, christianity (and religious morality generally) is immortal. in fact, a great way to doom a particular religion in the long run is to bind it to a government. you don't see too many theocratic adherents of Ra egyptian-walking down 5th ave these days.

but it can get worse. once we start importing religious doctrine into our statehouses, we run the risk of putting elected civil officials in the position of determining the rules of that religion. what's to prevent secular power from codifying the entrance exam to heaven, once it starts invoking religion as policy? no, far better for religion to reject the power of the state, than run the risk of becoming entangled in the vicissitudes of politics.

this brings me back to my original point. yes, i'm a christian. which means, inter alia, that i'm pretty damn optimistic about individuals' potential. furthermore, it means that the church (and that's deliberately lowercase) has come up with certain moral structures that seem to work pretty well for organizing human relationships.

but while individuals can take this view, the state absolutely can't. in addition to all the other problems with mixing church and state, government simply cannot afford to take a christian view of its citizens--no, the state has to assume that people are greedy, mean, selfish, petty, etc., and guard accordingly, by dividing and restraining power: its own, certainly, but also that of its citizens.

of course, this is another strongly held tenet of christianity--the idea that God and caesar (the state) rule separate spheres.

2004-04-12T13:29:00.000-04:00

Sometime last semester I invented "Willful Deafness." Willful Deafness came about during Torts when the shrill voices of my classmates asking for multiple hypotheticals illustrating res ipsa doctrine made me insane. (How is Byrne v. Boadle not clear enough? The man got hit in the head with a barrel of flour while he was walking past a flour dealer. Whatever.) Rather than punching them all in the face, I turned inward and willed myself deaf. I'm now at Stage 3 of the process -- I can appear as though I'm paying attention, even turning toward the person speaking in class, without hearing anything. It's sort of zen.

Even so, every now and then something gets through. I didn't realize this until my oral arguments last week. My client was Friendly Officer Moses, the prison guard who maced an asthmatic inmate in the face. I had to somehow defend Friendly Officer Moses against an excessive force charge. So naturally I ignored the actual macing and just argued procedural default -- unfortunately for the asthmatic inmate, he didn't file his claim timely. During the argument, one of the judges asked me about the general fairness of allowing the prision board itself to set procedural requirements which the board intended to be giant obstacles in the path of inmates seeking truth, justice, and the American Way. I told him that would be an entirely different claim altogether, a due process claim. Apparently this was the right answer. Apparently I learned things in Con Law even while practicing Willful Deafness. Now I feel obligated to thank Prof. Con Law. So, thanks Prof. Con Law, I actually learned something in your class.

2004-04-11T11:20:00.000-04:00

We’ve turned up the heat a bit recently here on Notes, and I can tell by the increasing frequency and intensity of the comments that you, our readers, have noticed. Our posts are meant to make you laugh, make you think, and yes, to provoke you. (NB: provocation as it is used here does not entitle you to respond with deadly force.)

This is an unedited group blog, and its authors have widely, sometimes wildly, divergent views on all sorts of subjects (except, of course, for Penn Law…we universally appreciate its “unique, collegial atmosphere,” and not one of us would have even considered attending Columbia if he/she hadn’t been "reserved" there.)

In all seriousness, there is no one political agenda or point of view here. We’re a motley crew of lovable libertarians and sexy statists. Sometimes our posts will be serious, sometimes they’ll be substantive, but most of the time you can expect to find the same jejune and frivolous posts for which we’ve become (in)famous.

So, if one of you is inspired by something we’ve said, comment or email. If one of us writes something that you think is idiotic, feel free to kvetch. If your rejoinder is good, we’ll post it. We don’t (often) intend to offend. And when we do offend, remember where we are and what we do (the answers are 1) in law school and 2) law students, respectively, for those of you with brains addled by one too many LSAT 180 logic games.)

Law school is an unavoidably contentious place; even an outwardly dry subject like Civil Procedure is sometimes heavily ideological (is it true that the 4! dissenting justices in Martin v. Wilks “simply failed to comprehend how our system works,” like my section learned in class? Can you get a seat on the Supreme Court without understanding basic Civil Procedure? If so, I really can be Justice Pork Roll!) You may find some of your classmates offensive (ideologically; odds are you will find the vast majority physically offensive.) I hope you’ll learn to deal with it. It helps to keep in mind that almost everyone believes that her ideas are right, good and true.

Upcoming Post: Oh, to be a Nerdy Nebbish! (also entitled: Why I plan on participating in the writing competition.)

2004-04-10T11:02:00.000-04:00

Guest Frustrated with Beef Rides Again

After three hours on two footnote exercises at a bluebooking session in a room full of anal-retentive 1Ls, my new beef, Ms. Christian-1L, (a woman who, incidentally, told a friend of mine that the fact that he and his girlfriend live together might be risky to their relationship because 3 out of 4 couples who have pre-marital sex and live together end up divorced) was overheard deposing a 2L about his summer associate job. This guy is on the Journal of International Economic Law and will be working for a firm that is notorious for only taking law students with the straight A’s. These apparently were some of her priceless questions:

"If you don’t make law review, does JIEL look good on a resume?”

“So, you’re working for the DC office [emphasis on DC]… Aren’t [big law firm]’s headquarters in New York?... Do you think that working for a prestigious law firm in a less prestigious city looks bad on your resume?”

This girl probably lists things like “Contracts” and “Corporate Law” under the Interests section on her resume. I personally think she should add “gangja” and “codeine” to that particular section. I think both would make her a more tolerable and maybe – just maybe – a more interesting person to interview.

I was also blessed this morning (perhaps by Ms. Xtian’s “God”) by making it to class just in time to hear her say that a woman’s right to choose is not a fundamental right.

And, yes, I am kicking myself for not having booed her… or having kicked her… or just telling her that after Roe, abortions should have been available on demand, but they’re not and both my aborted bastard embryo and I will have a grand old time in hell.

What really gets me riled up is why women like Ms. 1L-Xtian feel entitled to tell us what we can or cannot do to our own bodies. If someone gets knocked up, that person can just say, “I prefer not to.” Go back to your gold-embossed bible pages and pray for our souls, but don’t tell us that we don’t have this basic right.

Ah pro-choice! Ah humanity!

---------------
If the Comments section is just too small to hold your beef, email us your post. We'll probably put it up.

2004-04-08T11:13:00.000-04:00

I'm supposed to be in my 3-hour extended super-makeup Con Law class, but I couldn't get up in time. It started at 9am. 9am is early. And 9am feels even earlier now since 9am is really 8am in dog years or daylight savings time or whatever. And who holds a class at 8am? That's right, nobody. Nobody who wants anybody to go anyway. But I'm feeling slightly guilty all the same because I went to dinner at Professor Con Law's house last night. He served fish. And lots of vegetables. And macaroons. He made me set the table, and I think I set it all wrong, but that's not my fault since I usually eat out of paper bags, and it's unfair to expect someone who doesn't even regularly use forks to be able to figure out where the fish knife goes in relation to the cream soup spoon. In any case, I'm hiding in the library now, buzzing from all the caffeine I ingested from drinking a medium cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee instead of my once-a-week small cup. I have half an hour until my writing competition review begins. Hopefully my heart won't stop in the interim.

2004-04-07T13:27:00.000-04:00

Gunner Cold Gruel Sends More Mail & Bacon Dutifully Answers

shit. the housing thing is a pain. i've asked like six people about whether
to live on or off campus and one said on, one said off, and the other four
were no help at all. i had just made an ultratentative decision to live on
campus when i got your last. argh.

where do you live then? center city? i can't imagine you'd live in west
philly. they tell me it's the brooklyn of philadelphia.

Cold Gruel

---------------------------

Dear Cold Gruel,

Comparing the appeal of Dorm Life against that of Brooklyn, I'd marry Brooklyn (like Bed-Stuy Brooklyn) before I'd touch Dorm Life. Twin extra-long plastic coated mattress? Group laundry? Your roommate who insists on stapling Indian print cotton to the ceiling? Though it's called the "Grad Tower" it's still bunkbeds and undergrads vomiting in the shower.

I do live in Center City, and I have a chandelier. And a garden. And I still pay significantly less than my Grad Tower bretheren. But you know who I'm jealous of? My pal, SF, who lives in West Philly -- the girl's got her own paneled library and stained glass. All for less than it would cost you to clean the dorm filth from your shower shoes.

Don't be a nerd; don't live in the dorms.

Love,

Bacon

And a Special Guest Entry from Frustrated with Beef

Why is law school so contentious? Why all the questions? I just want to pass a joint and say, “Chill out. Let’s be friends.” With that said, while first-year law seems very litigation-oriented, I am not. Take me in-house, please!

I find that I am only really happy to be a law student when I’m reading Processes of Constitutional Decision Making and law review articles on the history of discrimination against women and on abortion. But I hate being called on in front of 90 other assholes. And that reminds me – I ran into a fellow female 1L who went off about her religious beliefs and trying to stay steadfastly pro-choice, but wondering why women don’t just give up their unwanted babies for adoption because there are so many infertile women who want babies. She went on to lament about some woman who “cried” after her abortion procedure and that pro-choice women might question their position on this issue if they had actually had an abortion. To which I said, “Well, I have. And I’m still pro-choice.” Suffice it to say that Christian-1L’s wide eyes bespoke her shock.

2004-04-06T23:56:00.000-04:00

After the oral arguments . . .

So it's over. I didn't faint or throw up. And my Tourette's didn't flare up once. I did make the hugely enormous faux pas of forgetting to turn off my cell phone, and, just because God doesn't like me much, my mother called me in the middle of my opponent's argument, filling the room with the electronic sounds of Mozart. But I just turned it off, and I didn't even get my hands rapped. (OK, seriously, I do know how completely dumb it was, but better to have this happen here than 5 years from now, in front of an actual judge. Shudder.)

Today, I was told, as I have been told at least eighty million times in my life, that I talk too fast, especially when I am nervous. Which kinda sucks, except that I can now claim to be a real fast-talking shyster. And isn't that the whole point of this masochistic 3-year odyssey?

2004-04-06T14:54:00.000-04:00

Today was an activity-filled day.

First, I woke up at 7 a.m. in New York. I had stayed home for Passover. (Yes, I am a kosher pork product.) Then, just as I was about to head out the door to catch the 9 o'clock Chinatown bus to Philly, I realized that, sometime between my departure from my apartment on Friday, and 9 o'clock this morning, my Penn Law ID, apartment keys, and the attached snazzy lanyard had all vanished into thin air. An exhaustive and exhausting search proved fruitless, and I finally caught the 10 o'clock Chinatown bus to Philadelphia. (Sometimes called "Phiraderphia," but for a $12 ride, I'll call it whatever they want me to.)

As fate would have it, on the bus, I sat next to a 2L from this school. Furthermore, this 2L and I discovered that we shared an undergraduate alma mater. Our conversation revolved mainly around law school, which really shocked me, since law students hardly ever talk about law school. (Cut the sarcasm, baby, cut it with a machete.) He was nice enough to divulge some of the hidden truths about law school life. Here is what I learned:

- coming to class is a waste of your time. Most people who come to class do no better than those who never do. Speaking up in class is likely to lower your grade. So, either stay out of the classroom, or, if you are dumb enough to venture in, make like a fly on the wall.
- reading is optional and not recommended. You do not have to buy casebooks. High Court summaries and Examples & Explanations hornbooks are your friends.
- studying should only be done a week before finals. Maybe two. Anyway, it doesn't matter, grades are arbitrary, failure is impossible, and you'll get a job even if you accomplish the impossible.

And just think, I've been following all these rules since before I learned them. Although, I confess, I did buy casebooks. That must be why I didn't get straight As last semester.

Epilogue: Within an hour of arriving in Philadelphia, both keys and ID were replaced, and I just bought a brand new Penn lanyard. Also, a Penn Law decal for my dad's car. Sort of like "my child may have been beaten up by your child in elementary school, but if you bump my car, WE'RE GONNA SUE YOUR ASS OFF." But shorter. And less lame.

2004-04-05T23:19:00.000-04:00

road to the writing competition, part deux

so, i attended a writing competition/bluebooking event this evening. some wonderful people from BLSA, APALSA, and LALSA explained in excruciating detail the true joy that is bluebooking. many thanks to them, for putting up with yet more bluebooking, not to mention whiny snot-nosed 1Ls (e.g.: J. Random 1L: "why are there two abbreviations for 'federal'? i don't get it." eminently-patient-yet-somewhat-peckish law review 2L: "because we say so. now sit down, shut up, and like it. no more dumb questions, please.")

you may be asking yourself: "why, pork n beans, why would you subject yourself to this? don't you have exams to study for? or maybe some invasive dental surgery to undergo? why on earth would you practice this stuff for 3 hours, so you can do well enough on the 3-day editing test that you can continue doing it for the remainder of your 3 years in law school? you don't really need it to get a job..." (i don't know about you, but i'm noticing a sinister mathematical pattern here... 3+3+3 = 9 levels of hell, unless i'm mistaken...)

well, i'll tell you. i sort of like it. (maniacal laughter)
ok, seriously. i'm as bloodthirsty and ambitious as the next law student, and there's a certain elite status one achieves when one knows how to bluebook. yes, bacon, nerds have inherited the earth, and i mean to be one of them. (come on--the guy that came up with the four-period ellipsis for the end of a sentence must have lived in his mom's basement until at least the age of 42, but after that, he made a mountain o' money.)

of course, there's another session tomorrow, so we'll see at that point if i'm ready to gouge out my eyeballs with a wooden spoon and go do something real, like construction work.

2004-04-05T14:29:00.000-04:00

Mock Interview Day, the Aftermath

My fears relating to Mock Interview Day were fully justified. The only feedback I got: "Your glasses slip down your nose a little, and it makes you look too smooth somehow. It's a little Hollywood." I'm sorry, what was that? "Your glasses are stylish; it wouldn't be an issue if they weren't stylish."

Take Away Lesson: in law, the nerds will inherit the earth.

Oh, and . . .

A shout-out to Evan whose impeccable taste in blogs helped us get to where to are today -- not doing any real work and obsessively checking our online stats.

2004-04-05T14:07:00.000-04:00

Today we discussed defenses in Crim, specifically the permissibility of the use of deadly force in protection of one's self/jewels/bat cave. This is what I learned:

1. Never EVER sneak up on a Libertarian.
2. Some of my classmates will kill you for a dollar.

It's like going to school with hobos.

2004-04-05T10:56:00.000-04:00

In a recent post, I said that one of my long-term goals for this blog was to have at least 250 unique visitors a day. It's before 11am, and with a link from Howard Bashman's How Appealing, we've already surpassed that number. Thanks, Howard. Your link is very much appreciated; it's exciting to be acknowledged by the king of blawgs (Although I must point out that, strictly speaking at least, we're not all female!)

We'd also like to thank Evan at Notes from the (Legal) Underground (we couldn't have stolen a better name if we tried), and Professor Gordon Smith at the University of Wisconsin Law School for acknowledging us on his Law Student Blog Honor Roll. Our readership is almost entirely a product of links, because, as you can probably gather from the tone of our posts, we don't have many friends!

In all seriousness, we really hope you like what you read here. The 1L year is at once extremely bizarre and incredibly interesting, with lots of highs and lows, and there is copious material to satire. As much as I may poke fun at Penn and my classmates, I really have had a great time this year. I don't think there are too many 1Ls who can say the same.

EDIT: Yes, I changed "Honor Role" to "Honor Roll," after Pork N Beans pointed out my spelling error. Also, I just noticed Evan's latest post. We shall wear the title of his "favorite smart-ass law students" as a badge of honor. Heh.

2004-04-03T13:15:00.000-05:00

I shocked myself by really liking the mock interview program. As Pork Roll observed upon bumping into me immediately after my two back-to-back interviews had concluded, "You seem happier today!" And I think I was, mostly because my interviewers had given me good feedback and had told me that I would have no trouble finding a job. Not that I'd trust a lawyer as far as I could throw one, but I opt for willful gullibility. (Gullibleness? Gull?)

The best part, of course, came after all the interviews were done, and there was a reception. And, apart from the buffet table (which, though reminiscent of Bread Day at a Russian grocery store, featured some VERY palatable sushi), there was the additional benefit of a sort of Firm Fair, which consisted of every law firm laying out informative material on tables. Now, I don't care about the informative material, because my criteria for my future employers are 1) be in New York City and 2) pay me. However, sprinkled among the CDs, the gold-leaf decorated binders, and the brilliantly colored brochures were lots and lots of freebies. Considering the variety of firm name-embossed edibles floating around the place, the analogy of the kid in the candy store is apt here. (They also gave out lots of free pens, which most of my classmates seemed to like, but, unfortunately, they were all ballpoint, and I only use rollerball or fountain, because ballpoint pens have slow flow. Yes, I am that loopy.)

So, here is what I learned about law firms yesterday:

Orrick, Herrington & Sutcliffe gives the best presents, dude. Rather than just put out a few pens, or baggage tags (a la Cadwalader, Wickersham & Taft; because, really, don't you want everyone at the airport to know who you work for?), they prepared gift bags. GIFT BAGS! And these were stocked with: a stainless steel yoyo (I am not sure what the symbolism is here), a light-up keychain (featuring a green light; money?), a bouncing ball (again, the bouncing theme) with electric-looking filaments inside, that, upon bouncing, vibrates softly but does NOT light up as one might expect it to, a triangular highlighter, and some other stuff, which I can't remember now. One of the coolest things was the bag itself, which was large enough that I could toss all the other freebies inside as I wandered the room. Orrick is on my "nice" list.

The firm of Wolf, Block, Schorr and Solis-Cohen LLP gave out Hershey Milk Chocolate bars in a firm wrapper, which was definitely different. I was very excited about that, until I realized that they had just slipped a Wolf Block wrapper over a regular Hershey wrapper, which I thought somewhat ghetto. Also, I prefer dark chocolate. So I'm iffy about Wolf Block.

Blank, Rome LLP handed out the best breath mints, hands down. Not too strong, not too sweet. It's the Platonic ideal of breathmintness. It was especially thrilling because, a few months ago, at a Reed Smith reception, I was given a small tin of mints, totally loved them, and had no idea who manufactured them (they were in a Reed Smith tin). Also, back then, my conscience was still vocal on the subject of taking multiple freebies. Upon cracking open a Blank, Rome box, I realized that they were the exact same mints. I guess they have the same supplier. So, of course, I swiped an extra box. Come hiring time, I will definitely keep Blank, Rome in mind, because, if I work for them, I'll be able to have all the perfect mints I want. Not like Howrey, Simon, Arnold & White or Choate, Hall & Stewart, whose mints taste suspiciously like Starbucks mints, which are too strong for my taste.

So, I guess the moral of my story is, I am well on my way to resigning myself to my fate of growing up, getting a job and relinquishing most of my personal freedom, because at least I will be doing it with a pocket full of free pens and very fresh breath. And, of course, a yoyo.

2004-04-02T15:02:00.000-05:00

Today is Super-Fun Mock Interview Day! Career Planning brings hiring people from a billion firms to campus to play interview with us and then critique our performance. It seemed like a good idea when I signed up. Now I don't want to go. Really, I know what's wrong with me. My mom used to tell me every day. And I can't even ask the questions I really want to ask, e.g. I just got my ears pierced last week, and I can't take out the hoops for another 6 weeks. Can you tell they're really for nipple piercings?

I looked up the firms I'm supposed to be interviewing with. They look like prisons. I hate the section of the website devoted to pro bono work -- who's supposed to care about that? If you really want to do public interest work, you'll go and do public interest work. If you're de-certifying a class of people who were maimed by an oil refinery fire, the minority business you help incorporate for free isn't going to keep you out of hell.

2004-04-02T14:53:00.000-05:00

For a myriad of reasons, I check our blog stats multiple times each day. I like to see how many people are reading our blog, and where they're coming from. It also keeps me busy during Con Law and Crim when I've run out of blogs and articles to read. I've heard that many professors don't appreciate the incessant web surfing that goes on during class, and the scuttlebutt is that some want wireless disabled during class time. This would be a mistake. Wireless access in the classroom is important inasmuch as it prevents me (and I can't imagine I'm unique in this regard) from lashing out at my fellow classmates and the "contributions" they insist on sharing each and every class. Would I were a professor, I'd be sorely tempted to laugh at some of the comments, which tend to be heavy on feeling and light on constitutional analysis. Far too often, students mistake their personal policy preferences for constitutional mandates. This is not to say I am any smarter than my classmates, or that my opinions are more insightful. I am, however, more discrete, and discretion is a virtue.

We've finally started to average over 100 unique visitors a day, which makes us all feel appreciated, and that the time we sink into this endeavor is worthwhile. This, however, is far from sufficient. We really need to ramp up both the links and the word of mouth advertising; I want a minimum of 250 unique readers a day by the end of the semester.

While I trust our dear readers benefit from the posts carefully and thoughtfully written by my colleagues, I must say I am somewhat upset by the lack of feedback. Besides Cold Gruel, the ever-present and inquisitive 0L, we receive very few emails, and even fewer comments of any substance. People, we added the comment section because we really want you to use it. Post, please! Bacon has suggested that we use a carrot instead of a stick to encourage commenting. If any of you can come up with an appropriate carrot, let me know. Some sort of contest, perhaps, with a prize at the end? A pound of bacon, or a gift certificate for Bangers and Mash at New Deck? This is the last time (for a while at least) that I'll bleg on this topic.

OK, I'm off to get changed for my mock interview. I regret having signed up for this, but it's too late now. I feel sick to my stomach because I just ate a half-pound of Raisinets along with some sour watermelon candy to prepare; the requisite obsequious laughter at my interviewer's insipid jokes is going to require all of the energy I can muster. (And if you think I'm being overly harsh, just sit in the library for a few minutes. The sound of fake laughter pierces the air every 45 seconds.)

2004-04-01T09:13:00.000-05:00

The cri de coeur two posts below was written by Pork Rind, not Pork Roll. While it is true that I very well may be a depressive neurotic, I have not chosen to explicitly share that with you all (although many would argue, convincingly, that I do so implicitly with each post.)

Like Justice Breyer in Gratz v. Bollinger, who managed the feat of concurring both with Justice O'Connor in the majority and Justice Ginsburg in dissent, I concur simultaneously with my esteemed colleagues Pork Rind, Bacon and Pork N Beans.

Pork Roll, J. Concurring...

Like my colleague Justice Bacon, I agree that law school is "way better than working for a living," and (at least most of the time,) I concur with Justice Pork N Bean's peroration that "life is pretty frickin' fantastic. [L]ife at this law school in particular." However, I do share Justice Pork Rind's fear about the closeness of adulthood, and general disgust with the idea of a full-time job. School life, and my parents, have been very good to me. In short, the conductor has announced last stop, and I don't want to get off. But maybe I will be ready when I get there. This assumes, of course, that I survive the next month, and at this point that is nothing but an assumption. You all know what happens when one assumes...

Perhaps the difference is that both Bacon and Pork N Beans have worked previously, whereas Pork Rind and I have not. Or perhaps they're just more resilient pork products.

PS. Pork Rind -- I'm only having fun with you. It's great to see you posting again! Our readership looks forward to more of your thought-provoking posts in the future.

2004-04-01T03:04:00.000-05:00

y'know, normally i make a point of not posting upon coming back from the bar.

but present circumstances demand it. pork roll and bacon drive me to it. i feel obligated (to cold gruel, the other 0L, who apparently shall remain nameless, and al, if no one else) to make the simple observation that, well, life is pretty frickin' fantastic. life at this law school in particular.

yes, pork roll, we will be able to maintain "student" status for only another couple of years, but, frankly, the real world isn't much different. it's still pretty petty and snarky, for all the adults' blather to the contrary. the fact of the matter is that it's mostly big words and puffery. yes, there are a few smart people who get out alive. but mostly, we just stop and smell the money.

where i'm going with all this is that, frankly, existence isn't worth getting irritated about.

...how boring. an optimistic libertarian. ah, well... maybe there's hope.

2004-04-01T01:23:00.000-05:00

So I've been in a total blue funk lately, and since I am running out of friends to bitch to, I figure I can terrify future law students.

I gotta tell you, I liked law school last year. But second semester sucks hairy, unwashed toes. It's a challenge to get the motivation to come to class, let alone do the reading.

Plus, more and more lately, it sinks in that I am teetering on the brink of adulthood, and that, in three short years, I will be forever stripped of the title "student," which confers upon its bearer the right to evade all responsibility. I will be a grown-up. With a full-time job. (Um, I hope.) I will probably marry someone boring, because that is what people DO. And then, before you know it, there will be kids, and then I'll NEVER be able to quit my job because, well, SOMEONE's gonna have to pay for their analysis.

Now, I've managed to get through high school, four years of college, and a semester of law school without anyone realizing the depths of my incompetence. But sooner or later, someone will find me out. The odds of probability are really against me. Considering how twisted God's sense of humor is, this will probably happen only AFTER I bumble my way through the end of law school. I'll get a job, and then I'll be fired. And I will be the shame of U Penn.

Sometimes, I wonder whether I'd be better off doing some work, instead of wallowing in my existential angst. But then, I just figure, it's all a matter of fate anyway. Pass the alcohol, please.

2004-04-01T00:25:00.000-05:00

My Conversation with Professor Law & Society or Why I'm Grateful for Anonymous Grading

Prof. Law & Society: So are we done talking about death?
Bacon: I guess.
PL&S: Maybe not looking at what you've got there. [He points to my half-open package of Eye Gels and empty Twizzler packet.]
B: Oh, my Eye Gels. Yeah, sometimes my eyes get puffy and I like to wear them in the library.
PL&S: Can you see with them on?
B: No.
PL&S: So that must be good for helping you study.
B: Sarah says they're not good for my Game either.
PL&S: Your game?
B: My game.
PL&S: Oh, yes, your "Game." Very nice.
------------------------

I have no idea what's going on here, so don't ask. I'm going out on a limb and saying the take away lesson from this is you can't have conversations like this if you 1) have shame, or 2) have to put your name on your exam at the end of the year.

BONUS: Cold Gruel says I'm paranoid and insults me by asking me if I live in the Grad Tower. If I'm not willing to live in Brooklyn why would I live in the Grad Tower? Also, he titled his email "beauty v. beast, 334 U.S. 2402982428428208204." I don't get law jokes, so anyone who can tell me what this means gets one of the papier mache baskets the Porkroll and I made last week.

DOUBLE BONUS: Another 0L writes to tell me Penn is her 1st choice. I hope she brings her beer goggles.

2004-03-30T23:10:00.000-05:00

You know you're tired when Garfield's Scary Scavenger Hunt becomes too difficult to figure out. Let me know if you find the red key.

2004-03-30T23:02:00.000-05:00

folks--grab a tortfeasor t-shirt at tortfeasor.com (all they do is sell shirts with "tortfeasor" on them), and be the coolest kid on the block.

think of it as the law equivalent of an "i'm with stupid" shirt. or a way of fitting in in west philly, or any other crime-ridden law school environs you happen to be in.

hot tip: wear it under your suit to interviews, as a lawyer-superman outfit, ready to be unleashed upon some unsuspecting hiring partner, should it appear that they're making a hasty and incorrect decision...

2004-03-30T01:09:00.000-05:00

I love him and I hate him. He's Anonymous Laywer. Thanks to Evan for the introduction.

2004-03-29T23:03:00.000-05:00

Bacon Answers More Reader Mail from the Same Gunner Who Wrote Her Last Time!

gunner? i ask you: would a gunner stay home and watch cartoons all weekend
instead of attending the admitted students' thing?

i wish i had more specific questions. i guess my really general one is, uh,
how did first year go? do you throw back your head and cackle at the thought
of what 1Ls have to go through, now that you're almost finished?

and porkroll is right. enough about the collegial atmosphere. we get it.
brownie caesar salads for everybody!

cold gruel

--------------------------
Dear Cold Gruel,

You are obviously a gunner. I suspect the cartoons you watched were animated highlights of supreme court arguments. If I'm right, please send me the DVD because exams are coming. Okay, now for the answering:

1. Law school has been good to me. Weren't expecting that, were you? Sure the people are ugly and the food is bad, but it's a small price to pay for complete freedom from responsibility. I read a little; I write a little. And I don't even have to do it every day. It's way better than working for a living, trust me.

2. I would never throw my head back and cackle. If I laugh at you, I laugh in your face. It's the polite thing to do.

3. And finally, collegiality is not communism. It's a social program that ensures nerds don't get left out of anything. And from what I saw of your 0L class, they best be signing up here.

Love,

B

2004-03-29T20:11:00.000-05:00

Pork n Beans has opened quite the door. Scathing, indeed, but painfully true. The only event more vital to my existence than breathing is the complete and final destruction of the Ticketmaster/Clear Channel strangle hold currently depriving the music industry of all fresh air. Those heinous illegitimate children of flea ridded desert animals dare to keep the talented, little man down while shamefully riding the dregs of the music industry (Spears, N Stink, etc.) all the way to the graves of their short-lived musical lives. All in the name of profit while true musical connoisseurs, such as myself, have to suffer...locked away in the backroom of a remote Siberian gulag and told to keep quiet under threat of brutal, Stalinesque type punishment. I hear Ticketbastard/Clear Channel singing "go profit, go mediocrity!" I sing, go home you defenders of oppression...it's time for choice, talent, and variety to grace our airwaves and music halls once again.

2004-03-29T15:24:00.000-05:00

so i'm listening to stern this morning, and have to admit, his whole ‘radio jihad’ against the current administration is beginning to get to me. i want the usual fare of strippers and fart jokes back.

still, though, the king of all media does have a point. The current frenzy over nipplegate is pretty childish. to all the people screaming about protecting innocent virgin ears from prurient content, I say: turn off the radio. don’t let your kid listen to it. just because i object to creationism, it doesn’t mean i’m going to work for the government to ban religious schools—I only ask the same tolerance I offer.

in all seriousness, the FCC’s application of its own policies is about as consistent as the Feds’ story on WMD. what’s indecent? oprah can discuss tossing salad, but stern can’t repeat her discussion? Let’s have some consistent precedents here. there's a petition making the rounds to ask Congress and the FCC to craft a more coherent standard for determining 'indecency' – I’d urge folks to sign it. with a clear standard, we'll have lower enforcement costs, higher certainty for business, and higher accountability for broadcasters.

what's particularly upsetting is that the GOP is so actively pursuing this alleged ‘threat to decency’. i’m all for compassion, but let’s stay focused on the more important goal of limited government, and keeping uncle sam out of my life and wallet. The administration has lost its way—its authoritarian social/moral agenda is a bigger threat than any economic authoritarianism.

And another thing. Dubya claims he didn't even watch the whole superbowl--instead, he went to bed before halftime. I’m not sure I like the idea of a president that doesn’t watch the superbowl—it sounds kind of, oh, I don’t know, un-American.

2004-03-28T21:56:00.000-05:00

Right. Make that "coherent" and "Wisconsin." Please direct any and all future spelling corrections to bangersmash@sounditoutinsteadyoulazyfool.com.

2004-03-28T21:25:00.000-05:00

The need for me to post this weekend has been obviated (yes, Professor Wax, I know what that means!) by our new bloggers, who have been blogging up a storm. Welcome to "Bangers and Mash" and "Pork n Beans." I trust their posts will have the same snarky flavor that our readers have grown to love. As a sidenote, I assume the spelling errors in Bangers and Mash's recent homage to Governor Dean are there as a protest, because he believes that spell checkers are part of Big Brother's effort to pound us into anodyne conformity.

I had a nice day Friday. I appeared on a panel for admitted students in the early afternoon (this is the weekend prospective 0Ls come and see what we're all about here at Penn; they are inundated with phrases like "collegial atmosphere" so often that they begin to wonder whether they've entered some sort of Communist reeducation camp.)

Later that afternoon, Bacon and I went shopping. For those of you who live in the city of brotherly love or are considering it, I suggest you experience the Gallery at Market Square, at least once (actually, you'll probably go there only once.) This large, indoor mall is pretty frightening in many respects, but they do sell Lacoste shirts at Strawbridge's. The Gallery also has within its walls one of the greatest fast food restaurants known to man: Popeye's. Bacon and I lovingly ate our biscuits, followed by gelato at the excellent gelateria on 13th and Chestnut. Following our 4000 calorie excursion, we papier machéd and watched Law and Order.

I've always been a fan of Law and Order, but long believed Bacon ventured into hyperbole (shocking, I know) when describing its educative virtues. I was manifestly in error. Over the course of two Law and Order episodes, we saw ADA Alex have hearsay admitted (because the statement was against penal interest) and learned about Chief Judge Cardozo's opinions on foreseeability of harm, among other fascinating legal tidbits. I certainly learned more Friday night than I did during the Thursday morning Crim double header. All in all, I had a capital evening.

Lest you 0Ls out there think that no one here does any work (although it is true that I do very little), I spent most of Saturday and much of today alone, trying to get work done. The upcoming week is going to be a busy one, and exams are quickly approaching.

2004-03-28T20:18:00.000-05:00

If Penn Law were actually Howard Dean:
1) Instead of "Your assignment for Monday is pp. 910-918...oh and finish the section on....," it would be "AND WE'RE GOING TO READ CONSPIRACY....AND WE'RE GOING TO READ MURDER....AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO READ ATTEMPT....AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO STOP UNTIL WE FINISH THE BOOK!!!!" Then class would be canceled for the rest of the year in mid-February due to no one reading, which is actually not too far from the truth.
2) An upstart associate professor who teaches an unpopular, backwater subject would apply for the job of Dean and actually think he deserved it (oh and note I use "he" unlike our politically correct casebooks).
3) Penn Law would use excess volume and radical phrases instead of coherant ideology as its basis for curriculum.
4) Penn Law would declare itself the greatest law school in history, claim to be the right law school for you and the rest of the country...then close its doors because no one from Wisconson came here and endorse Harvard shortly thereafter as the greatest law school in history, hoping to become the vice-greatest law school in history.

Well, ok. Bacon, you are still going down...wiry or not...look out!!!!

2004-03-28T14:41:00.000-05:00

According to Bacon, I am a lazy libertarian drunk. This is true. I cannot refute this. True to form, with the booze still in my system from Friday night, I am ending this, my first post, right here due to general lethargy and in protest over the blog's big government behavior of late. Damn the man.
PS: I have now opened a betting house. Anyone interested in making a wager regarding (a) our class schedule in Con for the rest of the year; (b) how many more times Professor Katz will run into the computer in class, or (c) how many additional off-color racial references will be made in Con, please go to the basement of Sansom Place East to the janitor's closet and ask for Daryl. Cash only. Professor Madison is our faculty sponsor.

2004-03-25T22:46:00.000-05:00

so, we've just been informed of some details on the uber-prestigious journal writing competition, and i've gotta tell you, i can't wait.
not only do they hit us up directly after exams, when our brain cells are at their most refreshed, but we have the pleasure of spending 3 days locked up in the library doing glorified spell-checking. then, we have the pleasure of spending the next 7 (count 'em!) writing an essay on a yet-to-be-disclosed topic. i can just envision the literary masterpieces we'll create (think so many monkeys at so many typewriters).
but i'll show them. for the essay competition, they let us back out into the world--we can even leave town! i'm thinking i can combine my nifty wireless access with a much-needed beach vacation. nothing like the mai-tai muse to get the words flowing.
speaking of which, i've had it with con law. time to hit the bar.

2004-03-25T20:59:00.000-05:00

Bacon Answers Reader Mail!

hey,

i'm a penn law admitted student (0L?). your blog seems pretty cynical/jaded/snarky. would you say you're more c/j/s than the average penn law student? and why'd you add "bangers and mash"? i'm suspicious of new people. me and notes from the 1L underground had a good thing going. anyway, i like reading your blog, keep it up.

cold gruel

----------------

Dear Cold Gruel,

You have many questions and are suspicious of new people. This means you are a gunner and will probably grade on to Law Review. Now on to the questions:

1. I am not cynical, jaded, or snarky. Especially not snarky. The New Yorker is snarky. I'm more of an US Weekly or a Ranger Rick.

2. Bangers & Mash was added for diversity. We needed more representation from the Penn Law population of lazy Libertarian drunks who don't post to the blog when they say they will.

Please feel free to ask more questions; I don't go to class anymore so I have lots of free time.

Love,

B

----------------

2004-03-24T17:30:00.000-05:00

Recently I have been characterized as "Burnt-out and Bitter," "The Duchess of Snotty Face Manor," and "Unwilling to Live in Brooklyn." I'm not sure how this makes me any different from my classmates.

2004-03-24T15:02:00.000-05:00

After class, I went to the dining hall here at the law school (actually, it's more like a glorified Wawa in theory, and a ghetto convenience store in practice) for some candy and drinks for Bacon and me. Bacon wanted water, and I was looking for any diet beverage (Coke, Snapple, whatever.)

I'm sitting here with a bag of candy (watermelon pieces) and nothing to drink for either one of us. They had no diet beverages, and no water. A classmate was looking for pretzels. She, too, went home hungry. How does this happen? This is far from the first time that the cafeteria has run out of diet beverages and water while simultaneously stocked full of regular Pepsi. Has it never occurred to the powers that be at Stern that they should order fewer regular beverages and more diet soft drinks? Lesson 5,938 in the evils of monopoly.

Incidentally, the people who run dining services here at Penn are constantly threatening to shut the dining hall down because of underuse. Maybe sales would be higher if they sold the items that people were wanted to buy. Like diet beverages. And sandwiches that are either reasonably priced or edible (one of the two would be an improvement from the status quo). Just a thought.

2004-03-24T14:31:00.000-05:00

I think 2L Library Enemy is sitting behind me in the library. If I had a stick, I would totally poke her.

Bonus:
I love Clyde Summers, Labor Law legend and Man of the People. Some people think he's a communist. Some people think he's a million years old. I think he's just swell. Sure it's hard to tell if he's asking you a question or just yelling about something, but who cares? He's managed to push the Worker's agenda on Penn's population of grumpy Libertarians and Wharton rejects for 60 years. I want to adopt him. We're supposed to have lunch next Friday at the Faculty Club -- a "Fun Food Friday!" according the menu. I will have the baked ziti (a fun food) and admire him.

2004-03-24T14:10:00.000-05:00

Check out this post, which is a link to a story that was originally published in the Georgetown Lampoon. Does this remind any of you of undergrad? All those who vote aye, wear a pastel Lacoste shirt tomorrow.

2004-03-24T14:04:00.000-05:00

To all you readers out there --

We love comments and emails; this whole project is much more fun when you talk back. Your bloggers talk to each other (too much, in fact: during class over Instant Messenger, and in the quiet zones of the library so frequently that we get "sushed" by our overly uptight fellow classmates), but we want to hear from you. So, comment away, please. I promise that our responses will be less snarky than our posts.

2004-03-24T13:59:00.000-05:00

I went to the creperie on campus last Thursday for lunch, and ordered a chicken tomato pesto crepe. I was relatively satisfied with my selection (incidentally, I wholeheartedly agree with the recent phenomenon recently described by psychologists that too many choices lead to less satisfaction with the choices made) until I saw the banana split ice cream crepe that the person before me ordered. I looked jealously at her ice cream as I waited for my chicken (which was good, by the way.) So today I went and ordered an ice cream crepe of my very own. It came in a cup, and was covered with whipped cream. At first I was happy indeed. The bananas were fresh, and the soft vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate fudge made my mouth happy. The overabundance of whipped cream was slightly annoying, inasmuch as I had to dig for access to the ice cream and bananans, but I quickly eliminated the excess, and mixed all of the ingredients together (like the little kid I am at heart, I prefer ice cream soup to distinct flavor layers.)

There was only one problem, which started out small, but ended up to be such a major annoyance that it is unlikely I will order such a creature again. The crepe was wrapped around the interior of the cup. First I tried stabbing at it with my spoon – entirely useless. Then I went and got a knife and fork to try to eat the crepe, but they little profited me. At this point, I was swimming in a moat of plasticware and rapidly melting ice cream. It took me half an hour to eat half a crepe before I was entirely enervated and threw the cup into the trash. In the future, if I want an ice cream sundae in an inedible container, I’ll order one from an ice cream store, and if I want a dessert crepe, I’ll get some nutella monstrosity.

2004-03-21T23:18:00.000-05:00

I made the mistake of picking up the Real Estate section of the New York Times this morning. It appears that I will never own a home. Any space in the tri-state area large enough for a hotplate and an army cot is priced at about a million dollars. Conventional wisdom regarding the earning capacity of attorneys notwithstanding, how will I ever find a million dollars? An awful lot of people will need to slip and fall . . . down wells . . . on corporate-owned malciously boobytrapped property for me to even make a down payment. What to do?

2004-03-19T14:19:00.000-05:00

2004-03-19T01:19:00.000-05:00

Bacon and I attended another law firm reception tonight at Pod. The duck rolls were particularly good, and I didn't have to talk to a single bloviating hiring partner. Excellent! The rest of the evening was, however, rather bizarre. I'm in the middle of a longer post which will be finished tomorrow (maybe during Con Law. I hope Persily doesn't call on me, since we're "all on call."....oooh! I'm scared! :)). Goodnight!

2004-03-18T16:10:00.000-05:00

Miffed at the universal solitaire playing and web browsing that goes on in class, our Con Law professor sent out an email notifying our section that we will ALL be on call tomorrow and to "BE PREPARED" . . . something . . . something . . . like the Boy Scouts do. So naturally I turn to the person next to me and begin to complain -- the standard "I can't believe he's doing this" followed by an "It's ridiculous." And because god likes a good laugh, our professor walks by just as I do. He smiles at me, raises an eyebrow and says, "Ridiculous?" I nod. He smiles again. I'm doomed. So now I'm in the library doing my Con Law reading.

2004-03-18T01:10:00.000-05:00

Word on the street is this blog has been discovered by Penn's prospective 1L's. I'm just waiting for the Dean to shut us down.

2004-03-17T01:39:00.000-05:00

Both Bacon and I are still deep in the midst of our 1L summer job search. Think deep like a well. A never-ending, hollow, empty well entirely devoid of content. Not even a drop of water. And we're both parched! Is it really supposed to be this hard?

Anyway, we both applied to work for the same Legal Aid foundation (to remain nameless, at least for the time being) more than a month before the deadline "to receive full consideration." That deadline was more than two weeks ago, so I decided to call this organization to check on the status of my (and by logical extension, our) application(s).

When I told Bacon I was about to call, she ominously wished me good luck. I asked her why, and she whispered (we had already been castigated, after all, for talking...didn't we know it was the library? Now I know what they teach in the next two years!) something about the phones. You see, she had already experienced the Potemkin phone system, designed to make it look like this organization actually employs people, when in reality every employee of this inestimable organization must have fallen down the hole I spoke of earlier.

I went through an interminable series of menus (one of the reasons it took so long was because the woman whose voice was used on the system sounded like she was about ten minutes away from death due to a barbituate overdose). I was bounced all over the place, wearing out my keypad with so many selections; my favorite message was "Our business hours are from 9-5. Please call back during that time. Do not leave a message after the tone, for it will be summarily deleted (or something to that effect)." Incidentally, it was 2:15pm. I called another number for an office located in a different part of the city. IT WAS THE SAME WOMAN! I almost hung up...

I returned to the library to do some reading (getting a position for this summer is not a full-time job after all, although it certainly feels like one). I tried again at 4:45. This time I kept hitting zero whenever I got a voicemail box; I spoke to the same (human) operator three times. On the fourth try, Eureka, I found a person. The HR person. I was so startled to hear a human voice that I was momentarily speechless. Recovering my composure, I asked her about the status of the summer internship applications.

"All filled" was her meager reply. "We received tons of applications this year," she helpfully yet mockingly noted, failing to supply the corollary, which is that they found mine (and Bacon's) less than impressive. I asked (in a friendly way) whether they planned on contacting those who applied to let them know that they did not stand a chance of working with their organization. "Oh," she replied, "even though these people have agreed to take the jobs we've offered them, many will disappear if they find something that pays better. We don't pay that much, you know." Yes, I know. Actually, you don't pay anything. But attention to detail obviously isn't prized by your organization; no wonder Bacon and I are unqualified. "We're keeping your applications around in case someone fails to show up; then we may give you a call." Gee thanks. Couldn't you just tell us this without my having to fight tooth and nail for the information? It's not that hard to send out a blanket email. Maybe they're worried that the rejected will reply/call/ask questions. They could just do to these inquisitive souls what their organization seems to do best -- ignore them. I hope Legal Aid doesn't treat their clients like this.

Bacon says we haven't been rejected, only waitlisted. I prefer to think of our applications as traveling down a deep, dark hole, never to be seen or heard from again.

2004-03-17T00:03:00.000-05:00

Earlier this month I decided I would attempt to make the law school experience more exciting for everyone with the introduction of costumes! Thursdays will be Goth Thursdays from now on. In preparation, I shopped today for that traditional cornerstone of goth girl style, the corset. I was looking for one online during class, and just as my neighbor looked over, I happened upon the Vampire Chunky Naked Ladies in Corsets site. So now she thinks I'm some sort of chubby vampire pervert. Lovely. This is what you get for trying to make law school more fun.

Bonus: A letter . . .

Dear 2L Library Enemy,

We met this afternoon in the course of your attempts to shush me. It might have seemed that I was ignoring your efforts as I laughed with the Porkroll. Well, I was. But I didn't ignore you. I laughed at you and your scary tight ponytail for a really long time.

Love,

B