Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Breaking the Law

Yesterday morning I drove down to Los Angeles from Santa Cruz. The drive normally takes about 6 to 7 hours. I made it in 5 with a stop along the way, which might explain the massive speeding ticket I got somewhere around Bakersfield. Yet, I blame law school for my ticket.

Friendly CHP Officer Chielo: Did you know the maximum speed here is 55?
Bacon: Well . . . yes.
FCOC: Do you know how fast you were going?
B: Faster than that?
FCOC: 90.
B: I see.
FCOC: I need to see your driver's license and registration.
B: [shit] Okay, I have the registration, but I lost my ID last week [in a bar somewhere in Los Angeles and I'm pretty sure it's now being used by traffickers to get mail order brides into the country.]
FCOC: That's alright. Do you have anything with a picture?
B: Only my school ID. [I hand him the Penn card.]
FCOC: YOU'RE A LAWYER? [but more like, You're a LEPER?]
B: No, no! I'm just in law school. Really.
FCOC: I have to issue you a citation.

Friendly Officer Chielo was friendly up until the Penn Law ID came out. Then it was all "Step out of the car" and "I need to fingerprint you." Stupid law school. It gets me every time.

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Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Object Lesson

Ms. B and I normally put in a 5 hour day at the non-profit. By 2pm, we're driving toward the beach. Yesterday, however, our director informed us we were to have a staff meeting at 2:45. We were bitter. But we went. It was particularly boring. Around 4pm, Ms. B passed her notepad over to me with a tic-tac-toe game drawn on it. She took the center with an X. I took the bottom left corner with an O. We went back and forth. It ended a draw. She thought for a minute and wrote this at the bottom of the page, "See? Nobody wins at staff meetings." And there you are.

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Monday, June 14, 2004

Sweet Sweet Summer Employment

I've used my allotment of six pushpins and I don't have any scissors except for a non-pointy children's pair with green plastic handles, but at least I'm not Swabbing Radioactive Toilets on Taco Night

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Friday, June 11, 2004

Relationship Advice from My Father

"Never marry a man who can cook; it means he's cheap."

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Thursday, June 10, 2004

I have just returned to my desk after a fruitless search for pushpins in the office supply closet/kitchen/bathroom/homeless parakeet sanctuary. I think I hate working for non-profits. I tried to tell myself it's character building, but no -- I hate it. I hate the badly lit, multi-use spaces that smell like stale coffee. I hate having to share staples. I hate BIC pens. Obviously I'm a terrible person.

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Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Bacon Answers Reader Mail A Full 2-Months after She Receives It!

Bacon,

I am a 0L planning on attending Law School in the fall and reading all about you and your friends' experiences have gotten me excited about the fall!

Looking back, is there anything you would have done different in preparing for law school? Anything you would have done differently during 1L? I'd really enjoy it if you or any of the others would address this, kind of a year in review type thing.

Thanks! Have a great summer!!

K

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Dear K,

You seem perky and optimistic -- law school should beat that out of you in the first week or so. To best prepare for this, you might try to encourage strangers in the street to verbally abuse you and perhaps laugh at you after you begin to cry. Otherwise, the reading you learned to do in 1st grade should be enough to carry you through your first year. Take a look at the students of Penn Law -- it's pretty obvious most of them have no skills.

Love,

B


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B,

Do you have any recommendations on how far west of
campus it's reasonably safe to live? I come from cow
country, and I've been to Philly 4 times in my life,
so I can't really judge for myself. I've been told
that anything west of campus or 40th street is bad,
and also that the 40's are okay but not to go past
50th. I asked the Magic 8 Ball if I would die if I
lived in West Philly and it said "Better Not Tell You
Now." This cannot be good. But I've been contacted
about a sweet deal for not one but TWO rooms in a
house on 44th St. Please help.

Love,

m

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Dear M,

Because I have been so terribly tardy in answering you, I assume you're dead from living in West Philly, homeless from not having made a decision yet, or happily settled in your new ghetto home. I'm hoping it's the latter. If it is the latter, when you have your housewarming, please invite me. I'll bring the 40s.

I think I went to West Philly once, for brunch with a professor. He gave me my lowest grade. I hate him. In any case, I've passed your message on to the expert, the Marvelous Ms. B. She says:

"I lived on 46th/Spruce for the entire academic year and never felt as though I were risking life, limb or, more importantly, precious (expensive) textbooks as I walked to/from school every single day. Well, every day except when it was really windy or snowy or I was particularly lazy. The rooms are worth looking into...West Philly gets a bad rap, but it actually has a nice artistic character and, besides, multiple shakings of the Magic 8 ball have confirmed my faith in WP. Beware of places west of 48th. Otherwise, go for it."

So there you have it, M.

Love,

B,


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Hey! I really enjoy your blog. I was wondering if you could answer these questions for me:

1) Whats the cheapest you can get a fairly nice 1bdrm apt for, without a hassle? Cause boyfriend and I dont wanna spend anymore than 1000 a month. We already sent in the deposit for the dorm, so please tell me it isn't too bad. Is there hot water in the winter and a/c when it is hot? Thanks!

2) Could one of you guys possibly assemble a little list telling which 1L professors are known as "good" and which to avoid? (not that anyone has any control over this...) Thanks a million, and good luck on your exams!

-Girlfriend of a 0L

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Dear Girl,

I've been to the dorms all of once. They were . . . gross, and they're filled with nerds. If you've already sent in your deposit, no one can help you now. I would advise investing in some glue traps and a really really thick mattress cover to muffle the crackling sound of that plastic coated twin extra-long you'll be sharing.

As to professors, you don't get a choice, so it doesn't matter who you get. In any case, they should all be avoided.

Love,

B

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My Lunch with Mr. Justice or Career Planning by Force

Mr. Justice: So you're interested in applying to law school?
Bacon: Well . . . no . . . I'm in law school currently.
MJ: Hm . . . all my clerks are from Harvard or Stanford.
B: Um, okay, I've already got a summer position. I think my grandma just wanted me to meet you.
MJ: Where do you go to school? What was your LSAT score? What's your rank there?
B: Wha? I already have a summer position. And Penn doesn't rank. I think my grandma really just wanted me to meet you and say hi.
MJ: That's a lie. They all rank.
B: Penn doesn't rank.
MJ: They all rank.
B: Penn doesn't rank.
B:[thinking] What did I just say? Jesus. Penn doesn't rank, alright?
. . .
MJ: Well, all my clerks are from Harvard or Stanford.
B: Oh.
MJ: Yes, each year I receive thousands of resumes, and those are always the ones I choose!
B: So you're an alum?
MJ: Well, no. But you have to understand now, I went to school at a time when minorities just didn't go to law school, so I went to --
B:[thinking] WHAT? YOU, JACKASS, ARE RIDING ME FOR GOING TO PENN WHEN YOU WENT TO A THIRD-TIER LAW SCHOOL AT NIGHT?? And don't try to play the minority card with me; I got you beat -- I'm a minority AND A GIRL. And when was this time of oppression and disenfranchisement? the '70s? the '80s?
. . .
MJ: You don't want to clerk? Everyone wants to clerk!
B: I don't want to clerk.
MJ: What do you want to do then?
B: Be abused at a giant firm.
MJ: Why would you want to do transaction work? That's boring.
B: I used to work in corporate finance. I'm used to boring.
MJ: You should clerk. But not for state court. Federal court is where you want to be.
B: I want to be at a firm.
MJ: No you don't.
B: Yes, I do.
MJ: NO YOU DON'T.
B:[thinking] Yes, I do, jackass. What's my alternative? suffer you and your inferiority complex for $10/hr?
B: Really, I think my grandma just wanted me to meet you.
MJ: For advice.
B: Sure, whatever.
MJ: Well, my advice to you is, and this is very important . . . when young men chase you, don't run too fast to be caught.
B: What?
MJ: Just don't forget you'll want a family and not only a career later.
B:[thinking] He DID NOT just say that to me.
MJ: Yes, family is important -- especially for women.
B:[thinking] He did just say that to me.
B:[thinking] I think I'm going to punch him in the face.
MJ: Well, I must be getting along now. It was nice meeting you. You seem like a nice girl with a lot of potential.

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