Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Bacon & Porkroll Go to the Store; Get Confused

There was a time I used to love the grocery store. It made sense -- an aisle of dairy, an aisle of ice cream, an aisle of tasty snack options. Times have changed. The grocery store is now a land of madness.

Last week Porkroll and I drove to Conshocken to visit the good people of Target and buy their well-priced, sweatshop-produced goods. We ended up buying cereal. We would have also purchased milk, but the milk made no sense and we had to leave. I like whole. Porkroll likes non-fat. Target has neither. Target has Jog, Fit, and Slim. What the hell is that? That's not milk. Jog? That's my Swedish uncle's name. Confused, we returned the cartons to their shelves and backed away. And so now, we have dry cereal. I'm never going outside again.


Sunday, September 19, 2004

well, on-campus interviewing is about to enter its fourth (count 'em!) week, and i've decided to publish my marginalia documenting the emotional rollercoaster that is the 2l firm hunt. hopefully, this will be educational for those of you who've not yet experienced it.

1. anticipation. finally, we get to go lasso that steer that is our future. twenty-plus years of preparation for this-- those firms won't know what hit them when the meet... me.

2. shock. ...holy shit. i thought i was on my game, but that first interview was awful. the coffee hadn't kicked in, and i was a blathering idiot (ok, so more so than normal). fortunately, i had about fifteen more interviews that first day, and was able to recover some of my shattered composure.

3. burnout (#1). by the end of the first day (assuming you had more than 3 interviews--otherwise, this happened a bit later, i guess), i've collapsed under the combined weight of class, firm research, journal committments, psychological drain from interviewing, and the vague, creeping dread that is the pro bono requirement. this quadruple-whammy is enough to lay even the best of us low. (especially the best of us, being on law review which has, minimum, double the work of the other three esteemed publications at upls.)

4. reprioritization. specifically, forget reading for class to allow time for binge drinking. this happens around day 2 of the interview process--roughly the first friday. (here at penn, for those outside our dear law school, interviewing started on a thursday)

5. anxiety. it's tuesday, and he hasn't called. it's like fifth grade again, and i'm all aquiver with worry that i'm really worth nothing, nothing at all, and in no time at all i'll be alone, destitute, selling my body on the street for smack.

6. reassurance. a bit into the week, i realize i didn't really need to read anyway, as none of my classmates have read either. (this presents problems for socratic professors, but nobody seems too bothered about that.) also, i've gotten a callback or two, and now feel redeemed in the eyes of my soon-to-be slavedrivers.

7. zone. by the middle of the 2d week, i'd developed an inability to conduct normal speech, instead substituting life lessons, semi-witty truisms and positive spin and forced bubbly enthusiasm for anything anyone else says.

8. burnout (#5) (yeah, i know, this is only the 2d one i've listed, but there were a bunch more of them in there somewhere). i've drowned in the bubbly--all that's left is a hollow shell of a human being, with no soul or true emotion, just a kaleidescopic billboard that projects all manner of focused professionalism tempered by hints of emotional sensitivity and artfully feigned humor, expertly designed to perfectly reflect exactly what those around me want to hear.

9. restoration. after a weekend of hard drinking, i emerge, bleary-eyed, for the next go-round of mindless blather and transcript-passing. do they really give a hot damn about what a nice person i am?

10. resignation. allow me to introduce myself. i'm pork n beans, professional interviewer. i've begun looking forward to those nice light days when i've only one or two interviews scheduled. why did i sign up for those 40 gd interviews again? ah, well. soon, it will all be over, and i can actually start attending class again.

more whining to come...


Thursday, September 16, 2004

Blogflash: We're not the only snarky, sarcastic group blog at Penn Law. For those of you who haven't checked out Law School UNconfidental, I heartily recommend you do so. Their posts are hysterical. Notice that our most beloved pork product, Bacon, has been moonlighting there.


Sunday, September 12, 2004

Dear Ikea,

We're through. I've never been able to leave your dirty Nordic embrace for any less than $300. And that's always $300 worth of of $0.89 bowls and $0.50 photo frames. You've filled my home with felt curtains and heavy particle board furniture that I've had to assemble on the molecular level. Many hours have been spent trying to put together the thousand-piece Snurf organizer with only the toothpick and paste you market as a tool kit. I'm also tired of smelling your cinnamon buns when I'm in the self-service furniture section. All I want is my Pflugelkproejanik bookcase and to go home. But you never have the Pflugelkproejanik: it's always temporarily oversold in the dark brown and available only in some hideous purple faux wood grain veneer. But then I buy the purple -- not because I want it -- but because you force it upon me. I know if I don't get the purple, I'll have to come another time and buy $300 worth of bowls. So I'm done with you. And your meatballs. They were never that good anyway.


PS: Call me if you get the Pflugelkproejanik -- I still need a bookcase. Damn you, Ikea.


Thursday, September 09, 2004

Some people are complaining about OCR. I am no longer complaining about OCR. If I don't get a job, it's because I'm lazy. Instead of paying attention in class, I build my Maserati quattroporto online. Some people read Dressler instead of the text for Crim. I read the Dressler outline. I've never made it to the minimum page requirement on any of my papers. Really, I'm just not a busy bee and the law firms know it. I was meant to be a second-wife. There should be some sort of entrance barrier to law school.


Wednesday, September 08, 2004

texas justice
all this bs about firms has me thinking. maybe i'd rather do the clerk thing. it's like being a judge, with none of the headline risk. (and, i suppose, none of the life tenure either)

i was going to start a "we love judge sparks" fan club. in case you're not familiar with him, his honor is a federal district judge posted at the western district of texas, and recently penned an order excoriating certain petty argument practices of attorneys appearing before him. the judge complained:

When the undersigned accepted the appointment from the President of the United States of the position now held, he was ready to face the daily practice of law in federal courts with presumably competent lawyers. No one warned the undersigned that in many instances his responsibility would be the same as a person who supervised kindergarten.
and then followed that up with
The Court simply wants to scream to these lawyers, "Get a life" or "Do you have any other cases?" or "When is the last time you registered for anger management classes?"
judge sparks was first brought to my attention earlier this month by poor baby, a poster to this blog (who was kind enough to copy the entire order into three separate comment posts). my interest was piqued when gunner evan schaeffer noted some unease at judge sparks' taking liberties with his opinion-writing, referencing several other bloggers in a post on his (well written and maintained, not to mention well-named) legal underground blog.

in my not so humble opinion, judge sparks is continuing in the long and storied tradition of tongue-in-cheek affirmation of the american legal experiment, just as the case against "satan and his staff," the dismissal (with prejudice) of a "motion to kiss my ass" , and other such greats.

anyway, i said that i was about to start a sparks fan club, because i assumed (incorrectly) that he was the same texas judge who had opined

Both attorneys have obviously entered into a secret pact--complete with hats, handshakes and cryptic words--to draft their pleadings entirely in crayon on the back sides of gravy-stained paper place mats, in the hope that the Court would be so charmed by their child-like efforts that their utter dearth of legal authorities in their briefing would go unnoticed.

Plaintiff "cites" to a single case from the Fourth Circuit. Plaintiff's citation, however, points to a nonexistent Volume "1886" of the Federal Reporter Third Edition and neglects to provide a pinpoint citation for what, after being located, turned out to be a forty-page decision. . . . The Court cannot even begin to comprehend why this case was selected for reference. It is almost as if Plaintiff's counsel chose the opinion by throwing long range darts at the Federal Reporter (remarkably enough hitting a nonexistent volume!)."

in fact, this was an opinion of judge kent, of the southern district of texas.

i suppose the new name of my club would have to be broadened to "we love texas judges" or the like. somehow it just doesn't have the same ring to it, particularly given my feelings on cowboy hats at the gop convention.


Monday, September 06, 2004

I think it's time to rename this blog. Thus Spake Pork and Beans strikes me as entirely appropriate, considering (s)he has been responsible for our entire output over the last month. Not to take anything away from Pork and Beans's manful effort, but this is supposed to be a group blog....

I'd post more often if I didn't feel guilty for taking the time to do so (Yes, I feel guilty when I take even a small chunk of time to post; I am motivated and ruled almost entirely by guilt in most spheres of my life). I really wish I weren't so drained all of the time. Between journal work, classes and interviews, I just can't find the energy to post anything. I'm starting to see the truth in the old saw "The first year they scare you to death, the second year they work you to death..."

It is a proud boast of our law school that interviewers are not allowed to prescreen students here, but I'm starting to wonder whether this privilege really benefits us in the end. The theory (I believe...if I'm wrong, please correct me) is that a student with less than stellar grades who would have been eliminated if the firm had seen his transcript may get an offer because he so impresses his interviewer during the interview.

I'd like to know whether this ever happens. The interviewers see so many students, and have so few slots, that I imagine grades still play a huge role. After all, what kind of an impression can an interviewer really get in 20 minutes? I assume that far more students interview well than the firm has slots it can devote to students from Penn, and I have a hard time believing Cravath would grant one of its precious callbacks to a student with a transcript full of Bs no matter how wonderfully well he interviewed.

If we were prescreened, we'd have far fewer interviews. We'd be better able to prepare for the smaller number of interviews, and a greater chance of impressing our interviewer, which would make Penn students look more impressive vis-a-vis students from other schools who use the non-prescreened system. Plus, the time savings on our end would make it far easier to accomplish the myriad other tasks we have on our plates during the second year.

That's all for now. I have to finish 50 pages of reading for a seminar tomorrow, and it's already after midnight.


what's the deal with firms signing on to recruit here, and then adding notes like this to the interview info?

Hiring Criteria - Top 10%; law review preferred.

look, kids. not to be too conceited or anything here, but you're interviewing at penn law. you're already looking at 250 of the most qualified people in the english-speaking world. if i were in the admissions department, i'd be rather upset about this sort of tactic, as it seems to suggest that i couldn't be trusted to screen out the idiots.

then again, maybe the folks at the firm in question really are just looking for the amazingly hardworking individuals among us, because first-years are just going to be doing contract-monkey work anyway, and volume is money. it does seem odd, though, that they advertise this by indicating they care nothing for a potential recruit's interpersonal skills (only discernable through the interview) or personal concern for his psychological well-being (which, imho, is inversely proportional to the amount of time spent in the library).

then again, maybe i'm just bitter about not being the prettiest girl at the dance and having to settle for number 18 instead of having number 1 sending me flowers and chocolate. ...or just desperately afraid of sitting at home by the phone waiting and hoping for crazy stalker guy to call...


Saturday, September 04, 2004

y'know, after arnold's speech last week on "you're a republican if... (and if not, then you're a girlie-man)," i almost --almost-- thought about returning to the gop this november. (if you missed the speech, i recommend taking a peek... it's like a breath of fresh air).

as a committed south park republican, however, i take it as my personal responsibility to boot the authoritarian, paternalistic, whack-jobs at 1600 pennsylvania avenue out on their wrinkly white, born-again asses, and take back my party, damnit. (not that i have a huge problem with born-again types, mind you, it's just a certain brand of full-court-press moralizing that bothers me)

personally, though, i blame the media. they're the ones that paint republicans as old white dudes in suits... time magazine, for instance, recently published an article observing "many students are tilting right — especially toward that brand of conservatism known as libertarianism . . . . [Y]oung Americans are repositioning themselves not only on political but also on cultural matters. More than one-fifth of last year's freshmen said they never party, twice the percentage of 1987."

give me a break. explain to me how an ideology that can't stand the 21 drinking age and the criminalization of marijuana is, at the same time, committed to "never partying." maybe i'm missing something here...


Tuesday, August 31, 2004

high court news flash

in a stunning demonstration that the race to the bottom is far from over, the online hon. sandra day o'connor bobblehead has made its debut. (also featured on the site are the annotated j. stevens and c.j. rehnquist bobbleheads, plus various and sundry other entertainments)

i find it particularly entertaining that bobblesandra is neither nodding nor shaking her head, but giving a typically middle-of-the-road balancing head-fake.

...in related news, the rehnquist bobblehead has sold for $374.90 on ebay.


Thursday, August 26, 2004

a thousand apologies for the recent lapse in posting... i myself was on vacation, and had no access to either the internet or telephone service (aside from payphones, i suppose, but they don't really count, because i've completely forgotten how to use them--do you dial a 1? the area code? what about 900 numbers? can i use those from a payphone?). to my knowledge, bangers has been on a golf course for the better part of august, and remains there still (certainly a better way to occupy one's time than, say, working for free). as for the others, i'll let them speak for themselves.

regardless, it's back to school now, and all the innocent, optimistic 1Ls have arrived on campus. there was this lovely little picnic in the courtyard today (no beer, btw--bad form, that), where we, the mature and oh-so-knowledgable 2Ls, were supposed to impart some wisdom and confidence to our successors.

being pathologically anti-social myself, i didn't do a whole lot of that, and instead spent my time griping about having to pay the piper and start work for the journal (sorry, pork rind... i must admit being one of those people, who can't seem to divorce their workload from how they value themselves as a person), remembering how wonderful it was to be on vacation, and eating the free food.

but here's some words of wisdom for the fresh-faced (and not-so-fresh faced, too... certainly wouldn't want to discriminate) 1Ls in the audience: glannon is your friend in civ pro. buy "law school confidential." drink heavily. avoid hooking up with a member of the faculty until at least 2L. and mute your damn computer before you start IM'ing in class.

oh, and welcome to law school--the best (or worst, or not) three years of your life.


Thursday, August 12, 2004

y'know, i'm beginning to think that this whole on-campus bidding process is actually one of the screening filters used by firms. if we're stubborn enough to slog through the mountains of bad data, reams of contradictory rankings, and cacophony of ad nauseam gossip, then we've proven we can handle the slow-set cement that is american law.

...of course, it could work the opposite way: anybody dumb enough to spend days poring over statistics and rumor (and then giving evidentiary weight to same) is obviously unfit for anything beyond burger flipping, and/or committment to the psych ward.

at this point, a nice, snug straitjacket does sound rather appealing.


Tuesday, August 10, 2004

were it not for the graphic savagery of the crime, the florida xbox sextuple-homicide would be funny. apparently, authorities still haven't managed to identify one of the victims, even dental records being useless. oh, and the probation officer charged with keeping the leader of the group (and owner of the xbox) under surveillance has been fired. glad to see the florida executive branch is still operating at peak efficiency.

i'll tell you one thing: this is not the reason i went to law school. even giving this guy and his accomplices the benefit of a trial rasies all sorts of moral issues, by putting them on the same level as the state. (though, i suppose that's ok, since law is only tertiarily concerned with morality...)

then again, maybe they can argue they weren't acting voluntarily...


Tuesday, August 03, 2004

so this whole recruting thing is beginning to wear me out. this is problematic, as bidding hasn't even started yet, and i'm only about a hour into my "research" (read: procrastination). can someone explain to me how exactly i'm supposed to divine the true nature of each one of 200 different firms from the shallow platitudes and bland superlatives they put on their websites? oh, and someone please explain to me why all the firms that score well with associates are those outside new york. (ok, so there's ONE nyc firm in the top ten--effectively de minimis--and they probably cooked their survey stats to get there anyway.)

am i foolish for thinking there's some analytical method whereby i can find the perfect firm (or, hell, even a set of five!) for me? i want balance, damnit. i want 70-80 hours a week, and a big pile of cash. i don't need a mountain of cash. and i want my weekends, but i can do without beauty sleep for most of the week. perhaps there's some truth to the idea that too many choices equals paralytic indecision. perhaps we'd be better off if this were like consulting or investment banking, where there are really only three or four options.

...oh, who am i kidding. there's only one metric i really care about...


Tuesday, July 27, 2004

The logo just under discussion.


IM Discussion about the New 1L Underground Logo

Bacon: What the hell is that?
Bacon:  I'm the ass?  How come I have to be the ass?
Pork Roll: how great is that?
Pork Roll: that's our logo
Pork Roll: we're going to make our site posh
Bacon: I don't want to be the ass!
Bacon: Switch me out with Pork n Beans!
Pork Roll: why?
Bacon: Because he can be the ass.
Pork Roll: i like it
Bacon: Then you be the ass.
Pork Roll: don't be difficult


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

I just sent out my first resume and cover letter.  I plan on avoiding OCR entirely and taking call back week to build snowmen or something.  I'll let you all know how well my plan works.


Monday, July 19, 2004

I feel bad for modern US liberals/progressives who continue to embarrass themselves in the eyes of most Americans with their (selective) ridiculous oversensitivity.  The lobotomy necessary to successfully sit through a Michael Moore movie must also have deleterious effects on one's sense of humor.  How else to explain this?
In brief, California's governor is in the midst of a battle with the state legislature over spending.  The particulars of the fight aren't important, but the governor tried to use humor in a recent press conference: 
Borrowing from an old SNL skit, "Pumping up with Hans and Fritz," Governor Schwartzenegger called Democratic legislators who refuse to go along with spending cuts "girlie men."

State Sen. Sheila Kuehl said the governor had resorted to "blatant homophobia."

"It uses an image that is associated with gay men in an insulting way, and it was supposed to be an insult. That's very troubling that he would use such a homophobic way of trying to put down legislative leadership," said Kuehl, one of five members of the Legislature's five-member Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Caucus. . . .

Assemblyman Mark Leno, a San Francisco Democrat who is chairman of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Caucus, said he was glad Schwarzenegger didn't repeat the "girlie men" remark Sunday, saying it was "as misogynist as it is anti-gay."

"To disparage a group of law abiding tax paying citizens is just wrong," Leno said. 
Does SNL really keep people up at night?  I thought the problem with Saturday Night Live was that it wasn't funny; I didn't realize how deeply it cut my fellow citizens. It's nice to know that there are no important, substantive issues California's representatives need to deal with.  Then again, perhaps such misplaced energy keeps them from doing their normal mischief. Don't bother explaining to me how important this media-inspired kerfluffle really is; I don't buy it. 
Would I have called used the term "girlie men?"  No; I'm extremely careful with my language and constantly worried my motives will be misconstrued (as a non-Democrat, I realize that many of my classmates already consider me one small step above a bigot).  I probably would have compared these profligate spenders to drunken sailors.  Then again, I'm sure I'd be lambasted by groups for slandering alcoholics. 
The only "group of law abiding tax paying citizens" the Governor was lambasting [sic] was the group of legislators who refuse to pass a budget.  It's amazing how many of the same people who delight in comparing George Bush to Adolf Hitler (responsible for the death of 12 million men, women, and children in organized killing camps) find "girlie men" beyond the pale.  Get a life.

(Hat Tip: WSJ's Best of the Web)


Wow! It's so wonderful to hear from Pork Rind after her long summer slaving away in the legal coal mines that I'm speechless; her energy (and animosity?) is truly breathtaking.  I concur with much of what she has to say, and I no longer feel the full post I was planning to write about classmates who announce to the world that they've been "lucky enough to have been chosen for Law Review" is necessary. 
I understand that my classmates who have been chosen as associate editors of a desired journal find themselves in somewhat of a bind: one always desires to share good news, but the fact that one doesn't know which journal a potential interlocutor has been chosen for (if (s)he has been chosen at all) means that some delicacy is essential.  Everyone should chill out a bit, and wait for the membership rosters to be published.   

Keep in mind that we can't all be equally happy with the outcome of the writing competition.  There's little point in playing a game in which everybody wins; membership is valuable in large part because it's relatively difficult to obtain.  Law students do tend towards the competitive, and "losing" hurts.  
Anyway, congratulations to those of you who got what you wanted.  And for those of you who had hoped for a different outcome, remember the writing competition was one (relatively stupid) battle in a long war.


For fuck's sake. GO AWAY!
It's mid-July, and suddenly, my law school buddy list comes alive, and everyone who hasn't felt the need to speak to me all summer - or, in some cases, hardly ever all last year - is suddenly IMing me. And they all either want to tell me they made it on to a journal, or for me to tell them it's OK that they didn't make it on to one. That, and they all seem to want to know what classes I am taking, because, golly-gee-whillickers, you mean I didn't pick all my classes on the first day they were available?
No, you neurotic, overachieving uber-twit, I have not picked my classes. Nay, not even given them a thought, because guess what, we are all going to change our minds a million times before the drop/add deadline even begins to approach, and also because it's fucking SUMMER, and I have all year to think about this crap. Thanks for asking, though.
And, no, I do NOT want to tell you all about my job at Giant New York Law Firm. And no, I don't want to be your resource, and tell you how to look for firm jobs, or what the "atmosphere" is like. Sniff some white-out, stay up till 3 AM and self-administer a few papercuts, that'll give you a good idea of the fucking atmosphere around here. Asshole. Oh - and, no, I don't want to hear about your job either. There is nothing so unique and exciting about your experience that I can't learn from the Office of Career Derailment, I mean Development. That's right, bitch, your momma was wrong, and you ain't special. And neither is your ghetto-ass, unpaid, took-whatever-I-could-get summer job.
Leave me alone! It's SUMMER! We think about this crap all the rest of the year, and in less than two years, we'll be thinking about it the rest of our bloody LIVES. Do you REALLY not get enough of it during the year? Must you REALLY ruminate about this crap in the middle of summer? Fuckin' A, people! I appreciate the fact that you are over-achievers, the movers and shakers of the future, but for fuck's sake, I have my B/B+ average, I'm smack dab in the middle of the class, leave me to my dead-end job at a life-sucking firm and go blow a federal judge under the bench, just LEAVE ME ALONE!


hot off the wire: it appears the law library at penn has provided a quick reference page on blogs and blawgs (never really liked that term, personally).  some of the great legal blogs are included.  interestingly enough, however, there's a conspicuous absence of a certain penn law blog . . .


Monday, July 12, 2004

music to my ears, porkroll. though, i'd like to think of a summer hiatus as burnout protection, rather than laziness.

to assuage any fears i'd permanently left the building (lest that be chalked up as the explanation for the long intermission), i offer the following for your listening pleasure: from the archives, "appointed forever" by bar & grill singers, an inspiring ditty extolling the perks of service on the federal bench, set to the turtles' "happy together." a selection:

I’m a federal judge
And I’m smarter than you
I can do whatever I want to do
For all my life.

apparently it's caught the eye of at least one federal judge. See Suboh v. Borgioli, 298 F. Supp. 2d 192, 194 (D. Ma. 2004). of course, one hopes all jurists are as appreciative of satire...


To keep their blogs active (and forestall losing their readers) during the summer months when many of us law students are too lazy to post, I see that some blogs have decided to host guest bloggers. That's a wonderful idea. Unfortunately, however, I don't think Notes star shines bright enough in the firmament of blawgs to have groupies, at least outside of Penn's incoming 1L class.

Our spies at some of the admitted students events hosted in various cities throughout the country made us aware of this site's popularity among some impressionable incoming 1Ls. This gave Bacon and me an idea. We should have a contest for one or two new bloggers to be selected from the new 1L class. This blog is entitled, after all, Notes from the 1L Underground. So, if anyone out there is interested, s(he) should send an email containing a sample post to Bacon or me. We'll post funny ones, and invite anyone we find particularly amusing to join us.

PS. I'd like to thank the tireless Bacon for her semi-heroic efforts in keeping the blog alive. I'd also like to thank the police officers and nonprofits of the world for inspiring her by their depraved existences. Not only does she work at least 15 hours a week, but she posts regularly (during work hours, of course). Bacon truly is a dynamo.

PPS. It feels good to finally post something. Hopefully the cobwebs are gone, and I'll start posting more regularly. No promises, though, at least until Corporations and Evidence start (at which point I'll have hours each week with absolutely nothing better to do.)


Hindsight is 20/20

Today Ms. B and I had a lunch meeting at a non-profit legal clinic in Los Angeles. We drove past it several times as we were looking for a law office and not a crack whore ghetto apartment house. You see, it's confusing when you're expecting some sort of law office signage and all you see is a iron-barred porch set with a Snak Shak vending machine dispensing Skittles and Cheez N Crackers.

We couldn't find parking in the dirt lot attached to the office, so we parked on the street, in front of some people replacing what looked like the entire transmission of their 1974 12-passenger Chevrolet van.

Inside, we were led into the conference room. Everyone was already seated and enjoying their lunches of ham. Lots and lots of ham. I sat in a chair with only one armrest. I assume the other one had been chewed off by someone trying to get away.

We were asked to introduce ourselves to each other as "the nonprofit community is small and someday the people in this room [would be our] colleagues." At this point -- reeling from the smell of ham and disoriented by the single armrest -- I was about to cry. That was to be my future? Ham and cheez and office furniture from 1968? Why hadn't I been introduced to this world before I started law school? I would have worked a hell of a lot harder.


Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Breaking the Law

Yesterday morning I drove down to Los Angeles from Santa Cruz. The drive normally takes about 6 to 7 hours. I made it in 5 with a stop along the way, which might explain the massive speeding ticket I got somewhere around Bakersfield. Yet, I blame law school for my ticket.

Friendly CHP Officer Chielo: Did you know the maximum speed here is 55?
Bacon: Well . . . yes.
FCOC: Do you know how fast you were going?
B: Faster than that?
FCOC: 90.
B: I see.
FCOC: I need to see your driver's license and registration.
B: [shit] Okay, I have the registration, but I lost my ID last week [in a bar somewhere in Los Angeles and I'm pretty sure it's now being used by traffickers to get mail order brides into the country.]
FCOC: That's alright. Do you have anything with a picture?
B: Only my school ID. [I hand him the Penn card.]
FCOC: YOU'RE A LAWYER? [but more like, You're a LEPER?]
B: No, no! I'm just in law school. Really.
FCOC: I have to issue you a citation.

Friendly Officer Chielo was friendly up until the Penn Law ID came out. Then it was all "Step out of the car" and "I need to fingerprint you." Stupid law school. It gets me every time.


Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Object Lesson

Ms. B and I normally put in a 5 hour day at the non-profit. By 2pm, we're driving toward the beach. Yesterday, however, our director informed us we were to have a staff meeting at 2:45. We were bitter. But we went. It was particularly boring. Around 4pm, Ms. B passed her notepad over to me with a tic-tac-toe game drawn on it. She took the center with an X. I took the bottom left corner with an O. We went back and forth. It ended a draw. She thought for a minute and wrote this at the bottom of the page, "See? Nobody wins at staff meetings." And there you are.


Monday, June 14, 2004

Sweet Sweet Summer Employment

I've used my allotment of six pushpins and I don't have any scissors except for a non-pointy children's pair with green plastic handles, but at least I'm not Swabbing Radioactive Toilets on Taco Night


Friday, June 11, 2004

Relationship Advice from My Father

"Never marry a man who can cook; it means he's cheap."


Thursday, June 10, 2004

I have just returned to my desk after a fruitless search for pushpins in the office supply closet/kitchen/bathroom/homeless parakeet sanctuary. I think I hate working for non-profits. I tried to tell myself it's character building, but no -- I hate it. I hate the badly lit, multi-use spaces that smell like stale coffee. I hate having to share staples. I hate BIC pens. Obviously I'm a terrible person.


Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Bacon Answers Reader Mail A Full 2-Months after She Receives It!


I am a 0L planning on attending Law School in the fall and reading all about you and your friends' experiences have gotten me excited about the fall!

Looking back, is there anything you would have done different in preparing for law school? Anything you would have done differently during 1L? I'd really enjoy it if you or any of the others would address this, kind of a year in review type thing.

Thanks! Have a great summer!!



Dear K,

You seem perky and optimistic -- law school should beat that out of you in the first week or so. To best prepare for this, you might try to encourage strangers in the street to verbally abuse you and perhaps laugh at you after you begin to cry. Otherwise, the reading you learned to do in 1st grade should be enough to carry you through your first year. Take a look at the students of Penn Law -- it's pretty obvious most of them have no skills.





Do you have any recommendations on how far west of
campus it's reasonably safe to live? I come from cow
country, and I've been to Philly 4 times in my life,
so I can't really judge for myself. I've been told
that anything west of campus or 40th street is bad,
and also that the 40's are okay but not to go past
50th. I asked the Magic 8 Ball if I would die if I
lived in West Philly and it said "Better Not Tell You
Now." This cannot be good. But I've been contacted
about a sweet deal for not one but TWO rooms in a
house on 44th St. Please help.




Dear M,

Because I have been so terribly tardy in answering you, I assume you're dead from living in West Philly, homeless from not having made a decision yet, or happily settled in your new ghetto home. I'm hoping it's the latter. If it is the latter, when you have your housewarming, please invite me. I'll bring the 40s.

I think I went to West Philly once, for brunch with a professor. He gave me my lowest grade. I hate him. In any case, I've passed your message on to the expert, the Marvelous Ms. B. She says:

"I lived on 46th/Spruce for the entire academic year and never felt as though I were risking life, limb or, more importantly, precious (expensive) textbooks as I walked to/from school every single day. Well, every day except when it was really windy or snowy or I was particularly lazy. The rooms are worth looking into...West Philly gets a bad rap, but it actually has a nice artistic character and, besides, multiple shakings of the Magic 8 ball have confirmed my faith in WP. Beware of places west of 48th. Otherwise, go for it."

So there you have it, M.




Hey! I really enjoy your blog. I was wondering if you could answer these questions for me:

1) Whats the cheapest you can get a fairly nice 1bdrm apt for, without a hassle? Cause boyfriend and I dont wanna spend anymore than 1000 a month. We already sent in the deposit for the dorm, so please tell me it isn't too bad. Is there hot water in the winter and a/c when it is hot? Thanks!

2) Could one of you guys possibly assemble a little list telling which 1L professors are known as "good" and which to avoid? (not that anyone has any control over this...) Thanks a million, and good luck on your exams!

-Girlfriend of a 0L


Dear Girl,

I've been to the dorms all of once. They were . . . gross, and they're filled with nerds. If you've already sent in your deposit, no one can help you now. I would advise investing in some glue traps and a really really thick mattress cover to muffle the crackling sound of that plastic coated twin extra-long you'll be sharing.

As to professors, you don't get a choice, so it doesn't matter who you get. In any case, they should all be avoided.




My Lunch with Mr. Justice or Career Planning by Force

Mr. Justice: So you're interested in applying to law school?
Bacon: Well . . . no . . . I'm in law school currently.
MJ: Hm . . . all my clerks are from Harvard or Stanford.
B: Um, okay, I've already got a summer position. I think my grandma just wanted me to meet you.
MJ: Where do you go to school? What was your LSAT score? What's your rank there?
B: Wha? I already have a summer position. And Penn doesn't rank. I think my grandma really just wanted me to meet you and say hi.
MJ: That's a lie. They all rank.
B: Penn doesn't rank.
MJ: They all rank.
B: Penn doesn't rank.
B:[thinking] What did I just say? Jesus. Penn doesn't rank, alright?
. . .
MJ: Well, all my clerks are from Harvard or Stanford.
B: Oh.
MJ: Yes, each year I receive thousands of resumes, and those are always the ones I choose!
B: So you're an alum?
MJ: Well, no. But you have to understand now, I went to school at a time when minorities just didn't go to law school, so I went to --
B:[thinking] WHAT? YOU, JACKASS, ARE RIDING ME FOR GOING TO PENN WHEN YOU WENT TO A THIRD-TIER LAW SCHOOL AT NIGHT?? And don't try to play the minority card with me; I got you beat -- I'm a minority AND A GIRL. And when was this time of oppression and disenfranchisement? the '70s? the '80s?
. . .
MJ: You don't want to clerk? Everyone wants to clerk!
B: I don't want to clerk.
MJ: What do you want to do then?
B: Be abused at a giant firm.
MJ: Why would you want to do transaction work? That's boring.
B: I used to work in corporate finance. I'm used to boring.
MJ: You should clerk. But not for state court. Federal court is where you want to be.
B: I want to be at a firm.
MJ: No you don't.
B: Yes, I do.
B:[thinking] Yes, I do, jackass. What's my alternative? suffer you and your inferiority complex for $10/hr?
B: Really, I think my grandma just wanted me to meet you.
MJ: For advice.
B: Sure, whatever.
MJ: Well, my advice to you is, and this is very important . . . when young men chase you, don't run too fast to be caught.
B: What?
MJ: Just don't forget you'll want a family and not only a career later.
B:[thinking] He DID NOT just say that to me.
MJ: Yes, family is important -- especially for women.
B:[thinking] He did just say that to me.
B:[thinking] I think I'm going to punch him in the face.
MJ: Well, I must be getting along now. It was nice meeting you. You seem like a nice girl with a lot of potential.


Wednesday, May 12, 2004

It's been way too long since I've written a post, but after battling exams and the three-headed hydra known as the writing competition, I was spent. Plus, I had to move all of my stuff out of the school-sponsored ghetto I lived in for 9 months and say goodbye to friends. It's nice to be home for a week before I leave for my summer destination. I tried to go to the beach today, but it started raining. Oh well. Other than that, I've done absolutely nothing of substance since leaving school.

I hope everyone (including my co-bloggers, whom I haven't spoken to since leaving Philadelphia) likes the blog's new look. If there are serious objections, I can either change it back, or to something else. However, I was so excited when I logged into Blogger for the first time in a long time and saw the improved interface and new templates. Like a kid in a candy store, I just had to try one.

Song of the Day: Milli Vanilli -- Blame it on the Rain


Saturday, May 08, 2004

some wisdom on the iraq conflict:

Hence it is to be remarked that, in seizing a state, the conqueror ought to examine closely into all those injuries which it is necessary for him to inflict, and do all the injuries at once, so as not to have to repeat them daily; and thus by not unsettling men he will be able to reassure them, and win them to himself by benefits. He who does otherwise, either from timidity or evil advice, is always compelled to keep the knife in his hand; neither can he rely on his subjects, nor can they attach themselves to him, owing to their continued and repeated wrongs. For injuries ought to be done all at one time, so that, being tasted less, they offend less; benefits ought to be given little by little, so that the flavour of them may last longer.

--Machiavelli, The Prince, Chapter 8


Friday, May 07, 2004

so i'm watching the friends finale last night, and there, in the midst of the sappy prate that passes for situation comedy these days, is one of the most fantastic beer ads i've ever seen.

i'll quote a description from a friend of mine: "this new one starts out innocuously enough: one guy talks about wiping his hands dry on [my] dog, etc. Ok. Whatever. Then, at the end of the commercial, this guy says, 'I've dated a woman for her brains,' and then they interview three more guys and it's like, 'Yeah, her big... huge... BRAINS.' Wink wink. Nudge nudge."

the implication of course being that by "brains" they mean "booby-melons".

now, being a brainy (in the more common sense of the term) person herself (in addition to being good looking), she's very irritated by this ad, because she feels that it disparages brains. my feeling is that it's pro-breasts, and merely acknowledges a conclusion that most women have already come to, specifically, that they would prefer to be drop-dead gorgeous than peg-the-iq-scale brilliant, because most men can see better than they can think.

i recently read a survey indicating that the gender of the joke-teller is nearly as important as its content--apparently, women tend to be ok with sexual jokes told by other women, but not with the same humor told by men. i wonder--would beer ads be as reviled (or as funny) if they featured women cracking the jokes?


Tuesday, May 04, 2004

The editing portion of the Journal Competition is over. During the 30+ hours I spent locked in Pepper 100, I corrected eight pages of unintelligible crazy madness: ill-formed parentheticals, citations to a Moon Treaty, sections in Irish. IRISH. Even the Irish don't read Irish. I had to use a micro-tip red pen to cram all the corrections onto the 11X14 page. Did I mention that I'm now blind? Well, I'm now blind. And surly.


Friday, April 30, 2004


Whoever that was that took me up on my sexual offer, thank you...you were great. And a big thanks to whoever it was feeding me during the romp...my two passions combined into one magical evening!!! Watchful Investor Pilgrim's Products Golden Girls Quotes Redhead Hair Site Hurdler Page Bulls Blog Saints Car Club The Chess Haven Jake Gyllenhaal Fan Club link Soda Traders Myanmar Institute of Technology Dancer's Domain Ikea Olympics Page link link Fusion Recipes Oregon Lawyers Internet Data Integrity Library Rent Empress link Fashionably Green Moon Rider link link


I’d like to be able to say that I haven’t posted in such a long time because I’ve been too busy studying for exams, but that would be a lie, and I don’t lie when writing under a pseudonym (I do, however, occasionally lie to people’s faces, but that’s different...) Exams are finished (notice the passive voice.) I don’t feel a great deal of emotion about the end of 1L year, and I think I have figured out why. Quite honestly, my exam preparation was pretty inadequate. I really only spent one and a half full days studying for my final two exams. I don’t feel the same level of relief and jubilation to stop working because I wasn’t really working that hard. Sure, I had some fun during my wasted hours: inasmuch as I don’t have a car here at school, a trip to Target (where I purchased colored Tootsie Rolls) and the Olive Garden in Bala Cynwid (I have no idea how to pronounce that!) on the Saturday before my Crim final (a subject about which I knew next to nothing) was on balance a good thing (far more fun than any restaurant or bar I've been to in Center City in a long time), and worth whatever damage to my Crim grade it may have caused. However, most of my time was just wasted, doing nothing I couldn’t have done after I had finished my exams.

I wonder how this bodes for my future as a lawyer who will be forced to account for his time in ten minute increments. It’s 3:30pm, and I’ve done absolutely nothing of substance (other than go to the gym) in the 4 and a half hours I’ve been awake.

I recount this tale not out of some sort of sick lazy law student braggadocio; this is more for me to look back once I actually have a job. I truly have no idea as to how I performed, so it’s not as if I’m saying that I did no work and got all As; my final exam grades may accurately reflect my preparation level.

There’s a certain type of college student who needs to be the busiest bee on the block (they exist in law school, too, although in smaller numbers than they did in undergrad.) Overextension becomes a badge of honor. If you have one exam, she has two; if you’re going to be in class for four hours with a half hour break, she has 6 hours of back-to-back classes. You have a 15 page paper to write this weekend; he has two papers, and three articles to write, and a fellow student to defend in a judiciary trial. Of course, he wrote the papers in 2 hours, and received As on both, helped the student get a not guilty verdict, and got hammered Friday and Saturday night. Those students always have infuriated me, not because I believed they were lying (although many were), but because they felt it necessary to talk about it so much and compete with each other so publically. I’ve always been far more impressed by the (very rare) student who does as much (or even more) as she claims she does, and those (unlike me at the present juncture) who are lazy in silence.



done with 1l.

allow me to be the first to (officially) congratulate the UPLS class of 2006 on its accomplishment.

kind of scared, now.

well, that, and...

...the hangover has come early....

(but, i'm making good use of the four-period ellipsis--ha! take that, law review!)


Wednesday, April 28, 2004

WANTED: Post-finals sexual companionship. No strings attached. I am a sensitive, caring, 20 something drunk who will be more than willing to buy you excessive amounts of drinks if that is what it will take...In the spirit of anonymity, I am between 5'8 and 6'0 and roughly 180 lbs. I may be a bit on the scrawny side, but a stallioin in bed and VERY experiamental. All fetishes welcomed. If interested, respond to this post by 4 p.m. because, I will have to watch my consumption level...for obvious reasons. Ok. Great.


Monday, April 26, 2004

Back From the Dead (a.k.a. the Epitaph Strikes Back)
Well, after a considerable amount of time away spent cavorting with supermodels, working on my dual Ph.D. program in the psychology of procrastination in early adulthood, and learning why daddy is in jail (studying for crim), I return. I wish I could say triumphantly, but we still have a 4 hour Con final Thursday on which we are not supposed to get too detailed, we can write in incomplete sentences, but provide plenty of detail and explanation. Those were our exam instructions, in case your powers of deduction are weak from over- use, under-development, or malted hops and bong resin. Anyway, I am not staying around long. I have to nap, call dad to tell him we may be able to get him out on a legal impossibility issue, and then learn Con Law in two days. I rule. Here are some thoughts that I would like to leave you with:

a. Liberals have great points about many things...I can finally admit this. It is certainly refreshing to hear SOMEONE point out, correctly I might add, that writing discrimination in the Constitution is a BAD thing, a blind dependence on incarceration will NEVER work, and that it is ok to be disgusted by Corporate America. However, your stinking big-government nonsense ain't the answer pal...just stop, you're wrong. Government is heinous and the only reason you support their overbearing existence is so, one day, you too can have a job...that is, after your stint in public service.... There. I feel better. If you have an issue with any of this, take it up with my North Philly office...in-person inquiries only please.
b. Sorry about that. Post-exam stress relief.
c. I have officially opened my post-exam betting window with these odds on the following bets:
1. I will be drunk within an hour of the end of the exam 1:1
2. I will be drunk 15 minutes after leaving the exam room 3:1
3. I will be drunk before leaving the exam room (time frame will be from the time exam time is called to my natural exit...no rigged delay will occur) 6:1
4. Someone will cry during the exam 3.5:1
5. It will be Prof Con Law (assuming that 4 occurs) 2:1